💔trigger warning: cutting/suicide attempt💔
tour with brendon is the best month of my life. i get to spend time with my favourite person, and go to free band shows. it's a win win. every night, he delivers a special message to the crowd, and every night i tear up. he talks about how loved we are, and how special everyone is to him. tonight though, i feel tense. i feel like there's something weird between me and bren, like he's drifting away. our relationship seems to be fading, just a bit. he's been snappy and somewhat rude, and he only goes to sleep late at night. he could be stressed, but my anxiety has me worried over everything.
when brendon started to sing, i stayed backstage for a while, maybe an hour, an hour and a half. but he didn't say anything about me. didn't talk about how he was happy, didn't introduce me, nothing. after more songs go by, he starts to sing nicotine. it's a beautiful song, but the "you could never love me back" line gets me this time. it fits my relationship with him, i mean, he's Brendon Fucking Urie, a music star, a fucking idol, he's amazing, gorgeous, kind, and could get any girl he wants. why me, azrael santiago, a mediocre tv show girl, out of the millions who want him.
i feel tears start to run down my cheeks, because i'm super sensitive, and i slowly stand up, my bottom lip trembling. i walk to the backstage door slowly, as to not draw attention to myself. zach tries to stop me and ask if i'm okay but i keep walking. brendon doesn't know that i'm under a lot of stress right now, and he also doesn't know my old habits. he doesn't know about my mental health issues and i plan to keep it that way. i just need a quick relief. i walk out the back door, and i can tell that zach is watching me as i step into the tour bus. i shut the door, and sit at the table crying my eyes out.
it's been a long ass time since i've been able to let myself cry. i've always kept that perfect girl stance. that "i'm so pretty and clueless that i'm not sad about anything," position. i'm really anything but that, but does the press, or brendon, need to know? my eyes grow tired, as the crying exhausts me. i should do this now, brendon only has about 5 minutes left of the show.
i walk to the bathroom, opening the door and shutting it closely behind me. i'm alone, so my sobs echo loudly through the bus. i pull open my bag and take a razor out- i always carry one with me, just incase something comes up that i need to have for. i look at it frustratedly, i forgot how to do this, it's been so long.
i finally just break the top piece, pulling out the blades. one slash after another down the horizontal of my arm. the pain doesn't last long, in fact, i somewhat enjoy it, or that cynical voice in the back of my head does. one after another, with each cut, my head tells me about why brendon doesn't love me, how i'm a disappointment, and how i didn't deserve what i have.
"you know," something in my head says to me, "just cut vertically as deep as you can. no one will care. just say goodbye, no ones you here."
the whole point of this was to relieve stress. get everything out of my system. but old habits die hard, and i was giving into the voice in my head. mine just speaks louder than others.
i raise the blade, trembling. contemplation thoughts are running through my head, but everything is blurry. i feel like i can't fight anymore.
"where is she?" i heard someone yell.
"in the bus," another responded.
the bus door bursts open and i hear brendon yelling.
"azrael! where are you?"
he knocks on the bathroom door, and i don't say anything, i just sniffle and try to stifle a hiccup. brendon clearly hears me and tries to open the door.
"azzie, please unlock it." he says.
no response.
"goddamnit." he shuffles around, clearly looking for a key.
i place the blade on my arm, slowly pressing down and tracing a line. my old habit is getting the best of me now.
the door flings open.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" brendon screams.
he grabs my arm and pulls the blade away from me. he picks me up, taking my to the table.
"fuck fuck fuck..." he's repeating to himself. "where the FUCK are the bandages?!"
he finds them in a minute or two, and is right by my side bandaging me.
