So. Update on me, I guess. Lately, I've been too consumed in everything to be eating enough. I've wanted to self harm for a week. I'm failing 3 classes. I've been feeling very irritated and am easily angered. I've been very unlike myself much more so than even when I've been at my worst.
But I'm pulling through. I bit my nails down again so I can't hurt myself. I'm doing... okay.
There's no good way to start this, or at least I don't think so. Let's just dive right in, I guess.
Not to flex but I'm handsome, smart, talented, and compassionate.
I don't know what makes y'all hate me so much 'cause all I see is one A+ little man. Bonus points for being trans and pan because queer people are the best people. I'm purely outstanding!
I also act like I'm a god all the time and it does wonders for my confidence and good mood. It's much better than crying after I've hated on myself all day. It's just: Yes, I've got bad qualities like everyone does but I'm also a fucking badass bitch and y'all can't tell me I'm not.
Truthfully, I'm actually kinda stupid. Like, low-key. I make stupid choices without thinking them over or thinking about the consequences. I say things before thinking them over. I make bad desc ions quite a lot, but that doesn't make me stupid. I'm just... what's the word? Ignorant, I guess? Because I'm very smart boy, I just don't use it right. I don't think about things. I let my heart come before my head and always end up making a mess of things.
But that's okay.
I sincerely hope I can only continue to get better for me. Acknowledging my problems is the first thing, and I'm slowly fixing them. But you have to understand that there are going to be things that takes years to be cured of, and some things that never can be. I have many things I'm working on. For instance, my social anxiety. That can slowly be fixed. However, things such as playing the victim, having paranoid thoughts constantly, and other things that result from manipulation and emotional abuse, will take much longer for me to overcome.
I just wanna grow up already. I don't like being a mindless, depressed teen anymore. It was fun while it lasted but I can't take the way I act and I'm sure y'all are about fed up with it too. I'm sorry I have no filter and can't get myself together. I'm always sorry for existing. I can't stand these emotions! Hormones suck, especially the ones flowing through my estrogen-riddled body.
I have MDD and a social anxiety disorder. Meaning I'm often, no matter how I try, sad or depressed. I tend to break down over small things because my anxiety kicks in and I begin to think the worst. If I can't calm myself down, I begin to have a panic attack. A panic attack usually leads to both suicidal and self-deprecating thoughts. Which, since I have anxiety, I don't want to "bother" my friends. So I tweet about it to get it out. Which then worries the people I won't talk to, so they ask what's wrong and I tell them.
It's a vicious cycle, the way I regulate my emotions. But I now have a therapist and confidence in talking to my friends so I'm getting better with that, too.
I've often told myself I only fit the bad traits listed for my star sign. Being a Libra, I've heard people say we're stupid, emotionally imbalanced, clingy, controlling, and a lot of other bullshit that I am not any of. There are so many websites that list good characteristics of ours, like our charming, out-going nature, the way we act when we're lovesick, our smarts. Of course, our people-pleasing attitude sometimes leads to being unreliable or other things. We have problems like everyone else and I refuse to believe that I am bad for the qualities I happen to have. I think that, since I am working to better myself, that no one has the right to criticize me. I think they're allowed to tell me when I say or do something wrong, or when I make a bad choice and don't realize it. Of course, please call me out for that. But don't stick your bad feelings about me into and villianize me for it. I'm as human as the rest of you.
I also happen to, when I catch feelings for someone, immediately fall for them. And that isn't bad! I'm a hormonal teen boy that is a sucker for love and affection just like anyone else. I'm okay. I've fallen in love only three times, truly, before Mackey... I know, I know. I fall fast and I fall hard. But god, I love him to death. My sweet baby boy means the absolute world to me and I'll never let him go. I talk about him too much but shhhh it's okay.
In conclusion, I'm okay. I'll be okay. Things will get better and I don't have to die. I'm good. I'm in love, am working to get my grades up, have good friends, trusted people to talk to, and I'm getting my own room.
I'll be better. I promise.
-simm
