imagining | shawn mendes

in my blood

this chapter includes sensitive content, reader discretion is advised.

shawn's pov:

i knew it would be hard to be away from home, it always is. this time though, it was really hard. normally i'm only homesick for a week or so, and then it goes away because the thrill of the tour takes over me, but this time i kept feeling horrible.

i'm talking panic and anxiety attacks horrible.

it was the pressure, worry, fear, and stress of trying to perform the songs perfectly and trying to make each show different than the last that got to me. i wasn't able to set aside a worry and i was restless about everything. i wasn't able to get anything done, i was unable to think clearly about anything.

being away from y/n, someone i felt safe around, affected me too. she was unable to join me on tour because she was busy with school and work, which i completely understood. but because i didn't want her to worry about me, i decided to distance myself from her by not really talking to her.

i distanced myself from my own girlfriend. she had no idea what was going on with me and my mind, and she shouldn't have to worry about it. she already had enough on her plate. she needed to concentrate on things she had to prioritize, which shouldn't be me. i should be the least of her worries.

it's crazy how when you lay down on the bathroom floor, all of your thoughts, specifically the negative ones, become exposed. they take over you to the point where you lose all your strength and you feel lifeless. you feel like you can't do anything to help yourself. you're contemplating life and feel nothing for it.

i've subtly mentioned to the guys and andrew how i've felt, and of course, they noticed it too. they say i just need to let loose and not overthink everything.

"come on, bro. you're shawn fucking mendes! a celebrity, a living legend! stop being so depressing all the time and get over it! calm the fuck down! just have a drink and you'll feel better, or maybe you just need to get laid, ha. anyways, you'll be fine! now shut the fuck up about unimportant problems and let loose!"

you can't just stop thinking about your problems like if nothing happened. i needed help, but there was no way in hell i was going to bother the people i cared about, especially y/n, with my 'unimportant problems'. i desperately need help, but i can't help but feel like anything or anyone can help me. i can try to help myself though.

try to fill your mind with happy thoughts. that's what i thought while searching around the bathroom floor for my phone. when i think of things that make me happy, i think of y/n and everything about her. and that's what i did, i went to my camera roll and looked through the folder i have dedicated to pictures of her so i wouldn't feel so alone.

while scrolling through all the pictures, i realized how much i actually miss her. her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her presence. she didn't even have to say anything to put me in a good mood.

i really missed her. i desperately needed her. i needed to physically be with her.

while all of those ideas were circulating in my head, i felt my heart racing. i tried calming myself down, but i couldn't do anything while i was short of breath. my chest started feeling tight and i was getting lightheaded. i was fearful and incapable of doing anything about it.

i couldn't help but think about how unhappy i am.

while still on the floor of the bathroom, i looked to my left side. a bottle of tylenol and tequila right next to each other caught my eye. i reached for the tequila bottle first and unscrewed the cap and took a huge gulp before holding the tylenol bottle up to my face. i took the lid off the tylenol and put a lot of pills on the palm my hand. i honestly thought about taking all of the pills, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i didn't have the strength to.

and that's when something snapped inside of me, i definitely wasn't myself and i definitely didn't like that. i need to get better for y/n so i could be able to be physically with her soon. i need her. i miss her.

i dropped the pills all over the floor and reached for my phone again. i went on her contact and stared at it. just as i was going to press the call button, i heard the hotel room door open then slam shut.

something dropped on the floor before i heard a sweet voice call for me, "shawn?"

i couldn't respond. words couldn't leave my mouth.

"oh, you're in the washroom," i heard y/n say as i listened to her sit on the bed and take her shoes off, "well, surprise! i took time off from school and work to be with you, i missed you so much,"

"i noticed you've been distant lately, and i don't like it," i heard her get off the bed and walk towards me, "we need to ta-"

i was still laying down on the floor as i looked up and met her eyes without saying anything.

she covered her mouth before dropping quickly to my side, "baby?"

"baby," i mumbled as i blinked while a tear fell out of my eye while i reached for her hand.

"look at me," y/n said while turning my head to face her.

i turned my head towards her, but i didn't say anything.

she helped me sit up before she leaned me against the wall, "shawn, look at me,"

i still avoided eye contact with her while she started sobbing hysterically.

"look at me!" she yelled at me while she sat on my lap while holding the sides of my face.

i was finally able to look her in the eyes while tears started streaming down my face. 

"you might not be okay now, but i'm going to help you through this," she said while hugging me, "you're going to be okay,"

i didn't want to let her go, but she let go of me to hold the sides of my face, "you're going to be okay,"

"i'm going to be okay," i mumbled before kissing and hugging her, "we're going to be okay,"

author's note:
thank you for reading my first chapter in imagining | shawn mendes. oh my god!!! i'm back and it feels so good! hope you enjoyed this chapter. i'm going to keep this author's note short and sweet... anyways, follow my instagram @bad.reputation13, and please make sure to vote and comment. love you all and see you soon.
xx, c