You Changed Me

Number 4

The pain had minimized itself to small cuts on my sides.  I hadn't even gone so deep as to draw blood. I just made it so enough pain was being inflicted that I was punished for my infinite sins. I needed to know I was alive.

The thing about this story, is that it traumatized me to the point that I'm not really sure if all of this even happened anymore. After this point,  it's a bit blurry. I don't know what that tells you about the effects it had on me but it definitely wasn't positive at first.

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It really was a coincidence; I promise. I didn't seek this boy out, but he did intrigue me. He was cute in this dorky way that no one who didn't like nerdy guys would understand.

He wore glasses and had a big smile that warmed me. And maybe that's when it clicked. Because when I saw him smile when we were about to leave for what would be my last forensics tournament, I honestly just wanted to be near him. So I was. I made sure I was as close as I could be.

The tournament was booming and everyone was laughing and dancing as they waited for the results, and then I saw him.  He was sitting silently in the stands, assessing the crowd. I understood that feeling he had to have had. He felt outcast.

So I walked over and plopped myself next to him. His face brightened a bit. I felt that warmth I felt when he smiled. We talked for a half hour and i laughed

And now that I think back on it, he must have been too desparate.

He asked me out that same night. And the relationship between us consisted of constant texts and coded notes that I still have hidden somewhere under my bed. 

The thing about that relationship is that he was a horny teenage boy and I was a girl looking for acceptance. And so I allowed him to talk to me like an object. I encouraged it even. I knew he would love me if I gave him what he wanted, and I was right.

One of us came up with a plan to skip forensics practice,  and go make out in the bathroom. So we did. I told my debate teacher that I had an orthodontist appointment and I'm not sure what he said, but then he turned on my favorite song and we started making out in the boys bathroom like no big deal.

The next day I was called in to the office and drilled incessantly until some twisted truth came out. They could have filed charges against me. But they didnt. And I cried. And cried. And cried. Because getting caught wasn't something I expected. And even now it hurts to think about. I have a scar on my foot from running up and hugging my counselor in tears. My foot hit against the bookshelf.

I had a day of ISD. And so did he. He was scared I'd leave him and sent me one of his notes he liked to write.

He called me his lover. I was in 7th grade.

This kid.

But anyway. Our relationship was rocky from then on. His parents didn't like me and I didn't like them. And our parents wouldn't let us see each other. He was grounded and so was I. We talked through our notes.

And one day after I was ungrounded I called him. And I told him I had met a guy. A really nice guy. And that I liked him. This guy lived in North Carolina. He was gorgeous and honestly I loved him more. And I told him to talk it out with me. He didnt. He hung up and called back later and said he wanted to break up with me.

Really I wasn't angered about why. I was angered because he had actually gotten me kicked out of forensics because of what we had done. And what he had said to me wasn't ok at all. I was like a toy to him. I wasn't anything but his toy.

I dated a boy who thought he could manipulate me and he did. He made me feel useless but useful at the same time and I hated it. He told me I was dumb when I cut myself. I just never thought it was worth it after we broke up to try to patch things up. I didn't want any more of that

And I had another guy to handle.