You Changed Me

Restart.

Before he left, #5 said something to me. He said something that left an imprint on my soul. And I thank him for this still today.

Maybe #2 was my first kiss and my first love, but #5 was looking out for me and I know that he still would. He sent me a letter. And in it he said that he would be with me someday, but he wants me to get healthy. He wanted me to quit cutting and focus on myself instead of him.

I think those months were the worst. We jumped from therapist to therapist because none of them could see past the walls I had put up. Honestly some of them were just plain stupid, too. It took finding one that knew his stuff to actually get me up again.

During my period with this man, I had many relapses. I had many upon many breakdowns. He showed me a way to avoid harming yourself that I still share with everyone.

You hold two cubes of ice in your hands and you squeeze them until you can't anymore.

It's simple, but it works. So with all of the temptation, I stayed strong.

He told me how stupid I was for putting myself in danger for the sake of a relationship that wouldn't work out. And I respect the hell out of him for that. It took someone slapping me silly to show me that I'm worth more than "I love you"s and "you're worth it"s. My worth is not defined by another human being. He taught me that.

I mean he makes me so mad and I'd never go back now because he's harsh and unnecessary, besides the fact that he discharged me completely a few months ago. He makes me want to hit others but he's the first one that fixed me. I walked out of that office for the last time thinking, "damn I'm worth something. " and that's worth all the anger in the world