You Changed Me

Number 1

I'd heard of him before. His eyes, his player ways. I had heard of the pain he would cause me if I went near him, but I had also heard of his sweetness, and how he would pull you in with his words. I needed those words just a little. I needed them more than I could ever understand at that time, and I think that was a part of the reason that I spoke to him.

It was dark, smoky. It felt like the beginning of Don't Stop Believing by Journey, but that was what it always felt like at the roller rink. You heard the sounds of lips touching and retouching, and the smells of alcohol and stupidity and teen angst, and let's not forget the smell of basically pure sugar, and the sound of it being gobbled up by kids from their 10's to 20's. As you can see, the mood was right to talk to a boy with such a confusing status. It was a confusing atmosphere for me, being the goody-goody that I was at the time, but because of the second-hand marijuana smoke and the high of toxic drink smells wafting through my nostrils, I walked- or rather rolled, clumsily- over to him.

We had a short conversation, the specifics of which I can't quite remember, but this is how it went vaguely.

"HEY!" I screamed it over the confusing sounds of rap music blaring into our ears (was it talking or singing...). He repeated the gesture, and then cocked his head back in that dumbass gangster way guys do sometimes,and gave me the look I had heard about.

We started talking about the original reason Ihad wanted to speak with him- my friend. She dated him, and he had decided it was okay

to him and his buddies to spread rumors. Even as an early teen, I realized that that was rude as all hell and didn't respect it at all. He called her a whore in this conversation without actually using the word. He irritated me. His attitude was one that I didn't take well, and I had inherited the gene of anger issues (level of severity unknown and self diagnosed, of course) from my father. I tried to talk to him more, purely out of curiosity, and the topic magically switched to music.

"Aren't you that girl who played at the talent show last year?" he had asked me. I nodded alittle and he pulled out his MP3 player. I was a singer, not that established, of course,me being 12 or so and all, and I guess, as he explained it, he wanted to duet with me, but this conversation is entirely too irrelevant other than the fact that he played the guitar. Well alright, he's cool. That was my thought process. Maybe my friend was wrong? Maybe he wasn't an ass and more of a confused teenager? I hoped, but I think me and you both know exactly what happened. I figured out the hard way that being hopeful doesn't get you anything in this world.

I told him I had to leave at about midnight, and he hugged me on the way out and gave me his number. Okay he was cute, I'll admit it. I was into bad boys too, so being as he was; he was attractive as all hell to me. I sat in the car and thought of him; I walked into my house and thought of him. I literally paced my fucking house wondering if I should text him or not.

Then my phone rang.

My friend at the time, I'll call her friend #1, picked upthe phone and said something to the effect of "OHMIGOSH RAVEN HE JUST TEXTED MEAND TOLD ME TO TEXT YOU!! OHMYGOSHRAVENTEXTHIMRIGHTTHEFUCK NOWWWW!!!" It was slightly more spastic than that,considering a 13 year old girl said it about a 14 year old boy who wants to talk to said 13 year olds best friend, but you get the point. I freaked out,screamed, said "REALLY!?!?" a couple of times, and then hung up on her in the middle of a sentence and texted him ASAP. We texted for 4 hours, and then he told me it was easier to talk on the phone.

I told him everything. I told him my fears, my hopes, my dreams. I told him everything that was relevant to my soul and my being, and I assumed he'd told me the same. That was another lesson that was quickly learned: everyone has secrets. Everyone. I told him I liked him after that, and he told me the same thing, but as all good things tend to, this came with a catch. He was taken. That was one serious thing he hadn't thought to mention, but my heart was fluttering to consider it a big deal, and he said he'd break up with her for me, he just had to get the courage to do it.

See the thing about him was that he made my heart flutter by speaking or moving. I was under hypnosis, I think. I really do think that. Somehow he lead me on for about a two months before a couple pivotal things happened.

He called me at midnight, crying. I was really confused,because this boy was supposed to be my knight in shining armor, which is kind of strange because he was someone else's. But he was saying that the girl he was dating broke up with him because there were rumors that he made out with a couple of her friends at a football game. He had a history of cheating- something I didn't figure out until that moment- and I understood why hisgirlfriend did what she did. I assumed the point of his call was to comfort himand give him my opinion, though, and that's the only reason I made one, though it hasn't changed. He called me to help him get back together with her, and because he was speaking, I didn't care what I had to do to keep that beautiful voice talking. I texted her, and convinced her that he was a good person and hadn't done a thing to hurt him. Saying that almost brought me to tears,because he called me back a couple minutes later and said they were back together. I think subconsciously that's when I figured out something was wrong.

We went to the mall a couple weeks later, and all was well, until a couple girls passed by us. We immediately ran into the first store we saw and stayed there until they left. They were both his exes. This happened a couple times during our mall visit.

Yeah, see something's wrong there. When a girl breaks up with a guy who likes you, he should go to you, not back to her, and when two random girls walk by about our age, he's been with them in some way or another. I wasn't a stupid child. I wasn't ignorant. I was a big girl and I faced the truth then, but when I asked, he denied that he'd ever lied to me.

We went on like best friends after that, me refusing to feel anything but a friendly animocity towards him, and him feeling something unknown for me. My friend (Friend #2) and I went to the skating rink 3 or 4months later, and I was texting him. I told her to go on with the conversation as me while I went to the bathroom. When I came back, they were talking about me. She told him it was her, because Friend #2 was the truthful type, and I told her to ask about our relationship out of curiosity. I took the phone back when his answer was "we weren't ever anything but friends", and asked about when he said he liked me.

That whole first conversation we had, he was hammered fucking drunk. He kept up with it to make me feel better.

I cried. I cried my eyes out for a couple weeks and didn't talk to him from that time until the next school year started, where he apologized.I never really forgave him for what he did.

I never will, either.