EMBER

CHAPTER I - Mislead

Never felt it like this. Maybe once. But that was like half a decade ago. People have the tendency to say that time heals. They often misled others. They forgot the fact that time does not heal this depression in me (others too).

At first, it was self-diagnosed, 5 years ago. She and I broke up. Let's call her Ember. Ember and I go way back. We were both two pieces of obese fuck-ups. Who successfully met each other through what people call as 'Look Around'. We met, we clicked, we dominated the female bathroom every dusk. We were the last two pieces of the puzzle and decided to lose weight; the next dream couple to indulge with everyone's words at the time. She got hot, so did I, narcissistically. I fooled around not knowing the hell it's gonna plant in me, that fucking devil. Things started to turn stale. We were both tired of each other (I guess?). The rest was history.

But that 'history', is not history for me at all. Apparently, it left a huge gaping hole in me. Only to be filled with sadness and suicidal tendencies. I guess I did reap what I sow, huh?

People always have the tendency to say that time heals. They often misled others. They forgot the fact that time never heal this depression in me (others too).

I brought this depression upon myself. Knives after knives, blades all kind, rooftop to rooftop, until I was strapped down in a psychiatric ward. It'll never be the same. Nothing will ever come close to what I had.

Never knew my favorite sweater would end up in a fire. That hard-earned ukulele I got, busting balls working, hopping from train to train, to crack a fucking smile on that fucking face.

'this is for you my birthday boy'

What a petty way to remember you. The only fucking video of you strumming that ukulele, singing La Vie En Rose, is the only remnant I kept.

You knew guys with cars are my absolute disgust. Skinny up to the bones aren't my go-to. I take it that's your revenge? Well fuck, it works.

I guess life IS unfair.

Life laughs at you for your mistakes and it pays you back with things you don't like.

I learned that the only way to live, you gotta do what life wants.

Life also does not let you forget whatever it is you regret. Living it all in your waking presence only to relive it in your sleep.

Red fucking compact car. Fuck all. I can't even walk the streets at night without having to not see those type of car, with the same exact color.

He got through to you. He won, because he had a car, something I didn't. A fight I'll definitely lose. But let's not make this about cars. He got through because he had your attention. The car act as a power-boost in this game called 'Fuck you, Syad'.

That fucking night, I lost you, because he had your attention, and a car, and a reason to come see you.

I admit, my mistake.

I admit it every single day.

Every single second from the moment I wake up until my nights are filled by suicidal tendencies.

I lost you.

And I'll probably never get you again. My life has been filled with the excruciating urge to take my own life that even if you come back begging, I can only see my death when I look at you.

Two fucking years since Ember left. I'd been with girls on and off. None of them filled your place. Tracy Morgan said that 'you only win the lottery once' and that's that. Well, I guess the writers did a good job in indirectly describing my fucking life.

My shrink said that to get better, I should do something to distract myself and be proud of; like putting an end to smoking. We all know how that turned up. I guess that we all have to live with our inner demon(s). Befriend it so that whenever life decided to fuck you up for sport, you laugh with your demons; sipping coffee and smoking.

I guess, life will never be the same. Even if you decided to come back, Ember, it will never ever be the same.

I told myself that;

When you came back that fateful night;

After two years apart;

END.