Sensible Ramblings | ✔️

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Before I get into everything, let me warn you that this chapter contains mentions of emotional, verbal, mental, and physical abuse along with suicide and inpatient hospitals. If any of that upsets you, feel free to skip ahead.

Start of chapter:

I've had interpersonal issues all my life. I don't remember having great friendships, or really friendships period. In every step of my education I surrounded myself with the worst kids; bullies, potential narcissists, and plenty of abusers, whether they abused me or drugs or alcohol or all three. I tried to fit in with "cool" people. The damage to my psyche from this alone drove me to depression and suicidal despair by the time I was 12.

Maybe others can relate. Somewhere along the way this voice in the deepest corner of my unconscious mind started to ask:

"Why do you constantly gravitate towards people who walk all over you?"

"Why do you hate yourself?"

"Why are you so broken?"

By the time these questions arose in my mind I had already wizened up to a lot of dysfunctional patterns in my family. My parents were full of anger and silence and nothing is or was EVER confronted and talked about openly. I have been swimming upstream trying to overcome the triangulation and splitting I'm being put through, mainly from these indirect and thus easily manipulated dialogues. ("Person A said this about you" when person A wasn't around to defend him/herself.) Tons of misdirection and lies.

From an early age any unbiased observer could probably see that I was a mess of a kid. I was aloof and timid at school because I didn't relate to my peers.

I felt like I was choking.

I also went inpatient because I felt suicidal. That was of my own volition. Now I take medications for anxiety and depression.

I'm still dealing with my self-esteem issues. Something was taken from me. There are moments when I could have been a man. When I could have stood up for myself. When I could have said I wouldn't tolerate hearing any more bs and lies about myself or anyone. But I didn't.

I still feel ashamed for all of this. I feel like it's all my fault. I know that doesn't make logical sense, but the feeling is very hard to ignore.

My parents have always been extremely overprotective of me. Perhaps because I'm an only child.

You don't know what type of personality my parents have, so I'll share what they're like, and hopefully you will understand why I'm struggling.

Since birth, my parents have never let me leave my house for socializing purposes. I am not allowed to meet up with my friends outside of school. I've never been to the movies with my friends, or shopping, or doing any activity. Everything always had to be alone and with my parents. They always told me that I wasn't allowed to leave the school building at all.

Even on my birthdays, I was never allowed to invite my friends over or spend any time with them. My parents always invited their own friends and their children over for me to spend my birthday with. My parents never liked it if I received gifts or even any simple items from my friends at school. As I got older, I learned to hide any items which I would receive from my classmates.

I've also never been allowed to have any social media. I have many social media's now, however my parents don't know about any of them. My parents are so overprotective to the point that they barely even let me go to school on my own, and I can't even step outside of my house.

For many years, my social interaction with my peers had always been extremely limited. Now, the only way I communicate with them is at school or via text. My parents don't know about this.