Hey I'm Satan!

Chapter Two

Tuesday 3rd September

At school today I didn't speak. Why should I, when no one cares about me as more than a punching bag? I mean, if they actually punched me that would almost be better than this. Seriously,  being punched or ignored? If you were punched you could fight back, and how can you fight being ignored? 

Hi mum. I know that you're getting a kick out of reading this depressing entry, so I want you to know that I'm getting a new lock. And key. And bolt. For my bedroom and it will be my space. Okay? Good. Now that that is out of the way, I will say good bye and go to buy my new lock, key and bolt. I might even get a DNA scanner! How’s that for security. Ha.

...

Damn. I forgot. I have no job, no money, and therefore no new lock. Or key. Or bolt. Or super-awesome DNA scanner. Next time maybe? If, ya know, I’m not classed as bad luck next time a fill out a job application form. Which is unlikely. Anyway… I guess I should write about my super-awesome first day back at school!

My day went like this: get my arse out of bed at devilish hour of… wait for it… 10! (Please tell me that you see what I did there this time. No? devilish hour? Damn. I’m still talking to a diary! Maybe I am a pathetic excuse for the devil himself…) I know, impressive. The teachers disagree but I think I’m pretty damn good at getting up early in the mornings. So what if I miss the first class? If it mattered so much they would have it at a reasonable time, where they don’t have to compete with my beautiful bed!

A moment of silence in memory of the most comfortable bed in the world. R.I.P. Bed, you died in the best way… bouncy castle!

Anyway… back to my day. Got out of bed, ate breakfast, went to school, hated my lessons… I mean, who actually chooses A level maths because they like it?

Oh. Yeah. Me.

What? I find it really easy. In fact, I’m going to go to do my homework now, after my Mars bar. As everyone knows, a mars a day helps you work rest and play! (hey, diary, did you know that there’s a song about a mars bar? Yeah, its called ‘Mars Bar’ by The Undertones. Awesomely amazing song, that one! Listen to it! I dare you! Damn, you’re still a book. And not alive. Unless you are actually Tom Riddle. In which case I’m already the devil, so piss off. Ya got that? Great.)

Anyway, I need a mars bar! So now I’m going to shut this, and walk off humming. After all, I need a mars bar! Ooh maybe I could raid the spar… listen to it, diary darling, I dare you.

Wednesday 4th September

So. We ran out of mars bars. I think I might just give up. It’s a sign, saying that my life is at its worse… this is bad. I can’t bring myself to write anymore. I just have no energy left. Maybe the next delivery will arrive tomorrow. I mean, I bulk buy them after all. A box of one hundred should be arriving, but you never know.

…

They arrived, I am officially human again! Or at least, more human than I was earlier. I know, they arrived early! I can’t wait to eat them! Yum. Might just have one…two…three… now. You know what? I’m ordering more right now so that I never run out again. Yes. I will do that.

But not yet, right now I am going to… um…I know! I’m going to explain what happened at school today, because it was actually kinda hilarious. Basically, I was walking along, and you know how I was going on and on about not being punched, just being ignored? Today I took a punch meant for someone else. And it started a whole fight.

I think that the first punch was aimed at Aimee, the American girl who laughs at everything. Punch? I would call it a tickle or an itch personally. But I think Aimee (the type of girl who squeals if she sees a spider. A spider! For fucks sake, Aimee, spiders are little eight legged animals, with eight eyes, and a furry body. They can kill people. So really, what’s there to be scared of? Oh. Yeah. Fair enough, good point, etc. but still. They aren’t scary!)

Anyway, Kara marches up to Aimee and is there like ‘Ohemgee Aimee, like, you stole my boyfriend.’ Aimee is just sitting there looking befuddled (god that’s an amazing word. Befuddled. BEFUDDLED! Say it, diary! Damn you’re still a book.) and then Aimee just says, in that American drawl, ‘Kara, my friend, seriously? I would never steal anyone from you! They come willingly when they realise that you’ve been cheating on them for the last month…’

A few people gasped and Aimee just sat there looking smug. I walk through the two of them just as Kara brings her hand up to slap Aimee around the face. Naturally I get hit, hit her back (a hell of a lot harder) then all of Kara’s minions come over and start shouting at me for slapping the bitch.

God that was fun. Most fun I’ve had for years.

Does that make me sad? Pathetic?

Oh.

Yeah.

It does.

Nothing good ever comes out of writing in a diary, you end up actually talking about feelings! Damn you diary.

Goodbye.

Thursday 5th September

This time the diary is actually going. You know why? Because I feel vulnerable. Yeah, that’s right mother I can actually talk about my own feelings. Yep. I have feelings! That’s a revelation I could have lived my life without. Feelings = hurt feelings. Hurt feelings = anger. Anger = bad. When I’m angry? Oooh there’s a shit storm ahead for anyone who tries to get in my way. You hear that diary? You’d better stay away from me as I will never be writing in this thing again.

Ever.

Well.

After today. You know what? I might put a few pages from my old diary, from back when I was the popular girl, the one who people love. The bitchy one. The one who people love… same difference. I’m not even sure how many people liked me back then if I’m honest. How many people actually like the person who made their lives a fucking misery every single day? Yeah. My point exactly.

Probably another reason that I currently have no friends. If I had been a little less Queen B (did you know that the B stands for bitch? I sure didn’t. I just thought it was the cutesy little bee that flies around trying to sting everyone. Hey, they’re actually quite similar!) well, if I had been that tiny bit more Satan and less of the Lucy B that I was… my life would be better.

You know the song that everyone was dancing along to at my school just before I went to Spain? My life would suck without you. Turns out, it does. Anyway, I’m going to stick in a few pages from my old diary and then that’s the end of this. Ciao!