Broken (ON HOLD)

Chapter 2 - Old Habits

Dokkabai awoke with a scream. She'd had a nightmare. It wasn't exactly a nightmare, though, it was just a replay of yesterday's events. Dokkebai had thought that in the morning she'd feel better, however, she didn't, she felt worse. She sat up, pulling her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on knees and wrapping her arms around her legs. She let out a shaky breath. What was she going to do? She was too much of a coward to go and find Vigil.

With her back soaked in sweat, she got up on shaky legs, gritting her teeth. She glanced at her clock

10am

Wow, that's longer than she usally slept. Doubt anyone is going to want to see her anyway.

Dokkabai realized that she hadn't eaten a lot lately. She also hadn't eaten anything the day before. Of course she hadn't. She had been to worried and depressed to think about eating.

Dokkebai sighed and dressed slowly; she really didn't want to do anything today. All she wanted to do was curl up in a corner and never be spoken to again.

She made her way to the mess hall. She kept the hood of her hoodie up, walking in the shadows where hopefully, no one would notice her.

In the mess hall she only picked up a small battle of water and a sandwich that she didn't even want. She wasn't hungry, but she had to eat otherwise she would get ill.

Sitting at the table in the corner, she took a small bite of her sandwich. She nibbled on a minute, then decided that she didn't really want it.

It was then that Dokkabai realized that the mess hall was half empty. Dokkabai felt her chest tighten. All the recruits that were usally in the mess hall at this time weren't there...

Because they were dead....

...and that all because of her

Dokkebai looked down at her food again. She just couldn't eat it..she didn't feel like eating at all. The Korean got up out of her seat, keeping her eyes looking downwards and tossed her food in the trash, gripping the bottle of water in her free hand.

Dokkabai could feel the recruits and operators staring at her. They were probably talking about her before she came to the mess hall.

She honestly couldn't take it anymore. The guilt and hurt was eating away at her, she felt like it was killing her.

Voices filled her head, telling her how pathetic and worthless she was...

They told her she was unwanted and unloved.

And Dokkebai agreed with them

She wished that she could go back in time...she wished that Six had never discovered her. She wished that she never even born. If she had never been alive, people wouldn't have died because of her stupid mistakes.

The depressed Operator trudged back to her quarters. A small part of her hoped that Vigil would be there, because she had been feeling incredibly lonely. No one had spoken to her since the day before. However, the other part of her, the larger and much stronger part, hoped, prayed even, that Vigil wasn't there. He was still angry her, she knew it.

Dokkabai took a deep shaky breath before opening the door too her quarters. It was empty, as expected. She let a very small sigh of relief.

Dokkebai couldn't stop all the hateful voices inside her head Voices..it was all she could hear. They were ringing inside her montrals, playing over and over again. They told her how she was a failure, that she always had been and always would be. They said that she couldn't do anything right and that she was an embarrassment to Team Rainbow and that they all hated her.

They even told her that she should kill herself. No one would even care, they had said.

She put her hands over her head, trying to stop them, to make them shut up. They were hurting her, causing her so much pain. They told her things about herself that she shouldn't believe, but she agreed with them, she agreed with everything they said about her.

She was worthless, like they had said, she was pathetic.

Dokkebai walked over to her dresser hurriedly, blinking hard. She opened one of the small drawers.

She reached right to the back of the drawer and pulled out small knife. It was something she had had for a while. Taking trembling breath, the Korean Operator took off the glove on her left arm and held the sharp silver blade to her forearm. She took another breath, pressed down, and slowly drew the blade across her arm.

The young Operator whimpered quietly in pain. It hurt, it hurt a lot, but that was good. That's what she wanted; physical pain.

However, just one cut wasn't enough.

She did more. Some small and shallow, other long and deep, leaking out a lot of red, thick blood. Soon, her entire forearm was covered in cuts, blood dripping off her arm.

Dokkebai sighed in relief. She felt a lot better now. The voices had stopped, but she had a feeling they'd return soon. Smiling lightly at her throbbing arm, she hid the knife in the back of the drawer again.

She had promised herself that she'd never hurt herself like that again. The first time she had ever done something like that was when she had failed Vigil on the operation ‚White Noise', when she had gotten nearly all the recruits killed. She had promised herself that she'd never do this kind of thing again, but she had broken that promise now.

Dokkebai sighed in Relief, pulling on her glove.

Suddenly she heard a knock at the door. She stiffened; Was it...

...Vigil?
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A/N: Soo yea, second chapter done. I'm definetly continuing this story as I'm loving writing it. It's going to get a lot deeper tho so again, please refrain on continuing if you aren't comfortable with mentions of suicide, cutting and depression.

Hope y'all have an amazing day and enjoyed reading this, feedback ist always appreciated <3

~ Jay