In Dead Men's Shoes

Chapter 20

The rest of the week passed like any other. That is, any other when your estranged, possessed best friend is in the hospital, your other friends are manipulating you into acting in a play about your life, and you are hopelessly crushing on aforesaid possessed girl. So, for me, it felt almost like any other.

My teachers had piled on the homework so thick I barely had time to visit Catalina. In the back of my mind I knew I could have made time for it, but I blanketed every chance I got with feeble excuses. It was junior year, after all. Anyhow, the couple times I did visit her, our conversations were terse, a confusing mix between deeply sincere and stiffly fake. Our roots ran so deep, and yet trying to rehash what we once had was like trying to yank those roots painfully from the earth.

So I strayed away. Just for a while.

That Friday, Mr. Bergstrom visited the play practice to watch us run through things. We didn't have much of an art program at our school, so the students mostly governed themselves, but he was probably the most artistic teacher at our school, and for that reason alone he was in charge of checking in on us. Mind you, he did so very sparingly. At least on the day he did, I had faith there would be no stray demon-possession mid run-through on stage.

Mr. Bergstrom eyed the classroom as we ran through certain sections, Andrew and I pausing to fine-tune the lines that needed help. It wasn't too shabby, I had to admit. I hated it, but there was a surprising strike of happiness in my chest when we were praised for our good work on Mr. Bergstrom's way out the door. Maybe I didn't have Catalina, but at least I was beginning to enjoy the whole play thing.

Emma stopped me after practice before I walked home. "Hey, Jess, you're not a bad actor, you know."

I offered her the kindest smile I felt like mustering. "Really? Thanks, Emma."

"Yeah," she said. "You should get into it more. I'm surprised you didn't before."

I laughed. "Well, I don't know about that. But I'm glad you have faith in me."

We walked in silence for a moment. The stillness in the air felt particularly weighted, as if Emma wanted to say something, but her breath was baited. I looked at her, and, as if just realizing she was watching me, she glanced down at the concrete. I caught a flash of concern in her gaze.

"What's up, Emma?" I said. The words sounded exasperated, and I withdrew my hostility. "Sorry. I'm just tense. Is there something you want to -"

"There is," Emma spoke over me. "I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you and Catalina. Things didn't seem that great in the hospital, and you haven't been visiting her lately, and you guys were so close... like, you know... close close -"

"Yeah, got it, Emma." I was still getting used to everybody knowing my romantic business. It wasn't like me to air my crushes everywhere. I guess amidst all the other drama with Catalina, a few people knowing about my crush was the least of my worries.

"So... are you two okay?"

"Yeah. We're fine. Alright?"

Emma withdrew a little. "I'm sorry, okay? I just want you to be happy."

It's gonna be a long fucking time before that happens, I thought.

What I said? "I am happy."

Emma raised her eyebrows at me, but she didn't reply.

The funny thing was, I knew what she knew. Calling myself happy made my heart sink even more.

At home that night, Davey called me again. I could feel his impatience practically in waves through the phone. He wants this even more than me, I realized. Even though I didn't quite know how that was possible. The thought made my heart hurt.  That son of a bitch was sure hurting a lot lately.

"I'll pick you up at 11 on Monday," Davey said. "If you want to go to school I can pick you up there. But you know, wherever you'll be, just let me know, I just really want to get there on time. Thanks again for coming with me. I couldn't be there with her alone. And she wouldn't want to do it alone."

"Are you sure?" I said. It was so soft, that after a moment of silence, I wasn't sure if he had heard me.

"Catalina really feels dearly for you, Jess," Davey said, and his choice of words made my skin prickle. "She wants you there. So do I. I just know it. Once this is all over, I think you two... you'll be alright."

"Sure. Thanks. Well, I have to go, Davey."

Davey said a quick good-bye. I was already pressing to end the call as his farewell echoed through the speaker.

Saturday morning brought a slushy, street-filling snowstorm, so lacrosse practice was cancelled. Winter Wonderland alright, I thought, watching ugly brown snow cluster in the concrete outside my window.

I stayed inside instead, and lie in my bed, reading a book. My phone buzzed with texts from Andrew and Emma, but I ignored it. The weather, combined with my already sinking spirits, drained every drop of my social battery. Don't get me wrong, I was looking forward to finally trying to sort out everything going wrong with Catalina. But I just couldn't escape the feeling that all the incoming peacemaking wasn't going to be as simple as it seemed. Besides, seeing Catalina would be a challenge all on its own.

At noon, I finally untangled myself from my sheets, brushed my teeth and washed my face, and made myself a cup of coffee.

My mom glanced up at me from the dining table with her laptop. "Hey, honey, you're up. I figured you needed the time to rest after all the stress you've been through. And, well, what you're going to go through. Davey told me he scheduled the medium appointment. Appointment? Is it an appointment? That sounds too doctoral. Well, anyhow, Davey told me -"

"Yes, Davey told you I'm going to the medium on Monday," I said, rubbing my temples.

"Yeah, sorry," she said to my back as I headed in the kitchen to finish making my coffee. "Did you want to stay here that morning? I know it's junior year, and you've missed so much school lately -"

"Don't remind me," I groaned, all of my catch-up work already hanging over my head. "I'll go to school."

And that was that. Monday was imminent.

I picked up my phone. It was Andrew and Emma, on our group chat. visiting cat. wanna come?

They sent that two hours ago. And then sent multiple followup texts asking about my whereabouts. And my mental health. And the like.

alright well, we've already left, soo

catalina's in good spirits. u should have come

I knew I should have responded, let them know I was alive, at least, but I powered off my phone instead. I didn't want to think about anything anymore.