In Dead Men's Shoes

Chapter 24

Catalina wasn't at school for the rest of the week. Surprisingly, the effects were positive. I was able to actually throw myself into my studies, for once, instead of worrying about catching her eye around every corner. Or worrying about her lying in a barren hospital bed, fighting Isaac.

He was gone, now. And whatever came next, I could at least sleep easy knowing Catalina wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night with a noose in her hand.

Probably.

When Catalina returned to school, though, she seemed even better than I expected. Naturally, she got special treatment from each and every person who ran into her. As if she wasn't already loved for being who she was, now every single person had their fair share of sympathy to pour onto her. By the end of the day, Catalina's arms were laden with flowers and trailing friends clutching onto her.

Not like she didn't deserve the sympathy. And I hated myself for the angry pang in my stomach it gave me. She had been through so much, after all. But none of these people really knew it. They just wanted to give the popular girl sympathy, or meet someone who had been through a possession, or just get their daily courtesy points. I had seen Catalina at her absolute worst, and I, of all people, had nothing to show for it. I could barely speak to her through the crowd of people fawning and worrying over her.

When we did get a chance to talk, Catalina was friendly, in a way that almost felt like our old times. She joked and smiled as though our conversation the last Monday hadn't happened at all. Not like it didn't feel nice. It was some of the most genuine kindness I had gotten from Catalina in a while. But there was still a little, tiny voice in my mind that kept repeating the incident.

"Jess, I have to tell you something. I'm -"

And then my mother walked in, and the vision would shatter.

By the next week, though, it had blown over. Especially considering that Winter Wonderland was that coming Friday, the day before winter break, so everybody had a new craze taking over their minds. Miraculously, I kept away from the craze. Romance was the last thing that I wanted on my mind. Winter break, though, I could get behind. There was nothing I wanted more at that point than a long three weeks off.

The week came and went. Play rehearsals after school went surprisingly smoothly. It was a little hard for people to focus, but it was alright. Everything was on track. Although, playing the version of myself that talked so cordially to Catalina felt utterly otherworldly. Even though the girl facing me wasn't actually Catalina, it felt like an out-of-body experience trying to help Catalina through her possession all over again, minus all the arguments and heartache. It was as though I was walking through a parallel dimension where everything had occurred the same, but differently.

"Hey, Jess," Andrew said, stopping me after play practice. He was smiling widely. "Everything looks really great. You did that incantation perfectly. I mean, it's kind of scary."

"Thanks," I said. "You know, authenticity and all. I've been practicing. And my Latin classes freshman through sophomore year sure helped."

"Well, I can tell," he said. "You sounded like an ancient witch or something. In a good way," he added quickly. "It's cool. I mean, I know the play doesn't exactly depict... the most accurate relationship between you and Catalina. But it works. It's a good play."

I smiled faintly, but I couldn't make it reach my whole face. "By our relationship, I take it you mean my crush on her?"

"Well, that is... a very big part of your relationship. From what you tell me, at least. Not like you tell me a lot."

"And I don't plan on it."

"I talked to Catalina today, during lunch. I brought up the two of you, and she - I don't know. She started acting weird."

My heart sped up a beat. Just for a second. And then it was gone.

It's nothing, I told myself, pushing back the quickening in my breath. She was just acting weird for no reason. Anyway, Catalina's straight. And she's definitely straight for you.

"Jess? What're you thinking?"

"Hm?"

"You're totally zoned out. You weren't blinking. For a second there I thought you were possessed." Andrew laughed, then immediately retracted it upon seeing my swiftly delivered dirty look. "Sorry. Too soon. Too soon."

I was quiet as the room cleared out.

"So, I take it you don't want to tell me what you we're thinking," Andrew said.

"Nope."

"Okay. Well, honestly, if you ever want to talk... I'm here."

The tome of his voice took me by surprise.

"Thanks, Andrew. That means a lot."

"Hey, you guys," Emma said, hopping off the stage holding a script. "Everything chill?"

"Chill as a cucumber," I replied, then cringed at myself. I sounded like the opposite of a cucumber. More like a flaming hot chili pepper.

"Well," Emma said, oblivious, "You guys. I'm so excited for Winter Wonderland."

Some wonderland that's gonna be, I thought.

"This really cute guy asked me to go with him," she said, "and I don't know whether to say yes or not, because, like, I don't really know him other than when we were chem partners, and he could just be a total fuckboy. But he was really nice when we FaceTimed, honestly. He has the curliest hair, and the greenest goddamn eyes," she said dreamily. "And nobody said anything about him being shitty, so... I kind of wanna hedge my bets."

"Sounds fair to me," I said. "Good for you." I meant it. Even though straight people had it so easy. Even though I knew Emma would get asked by somebody, and fawn over him the whole time. Even though I would never relate to that feeling of knowing you would get picked up by a date at your house, throwing together the last touches on your makeup, and meet them at the door smelling like perfume, their outfit looking absolutely divine. I would never walk in with that special someone on my arm knowing it was a night for the two of us, getting to smile at them dopily under the stupid neon lights. Because it's high school and romance is barely real yet, but it still feels like a fairy utopia.

"Hey, any lucky girls yet?" I asked, turning to Andrew, who was chewing on his nails.

"Nope," he said, brushing his hands on his pants. "I'm just gonna third wheel."

"Hey, third wheel club," I said, giving him a high five.

"You should ask Indie," Emma said. "If she's into girls, I mean. Leave Andrew to third wheel alone." 

Andrew gave her a comical pout.

"Me and Indie. That's a funny joke," I replied cynically. But in my mind's eye, I was at the dance with Indie, and Catalina was with David in the corner, and the two of us didn't glance at each other once amidst the haze of the evening. In some hellish parallel universe, maybe.

I wanted the real universe back. The only thing was, I wanted it to be on my side for once.