In Dead Men's Shoes

Chapter 12

I stared, almost not comprehending Catalina's words. I certainly didn't want to.

"He wants to kill you?"

"Well," she said, her voice shaking in the slightest, "I think he wants me to kill myself."

I leaned forward. "What?"

"He was right," Catalina said softly. "I recognize the darkness in him. As much as I hate it, I think he's here because... he relates to me. He took his own life because of that darkness."

"Shit. This can't be happening. This cannot be happening to you."

"I won't do it," Catalina said. "I'll..."

"You'll what? How won't you do it?"

"I don't know," Catalina said, worry deeply creasing her face. "Every time he comes to me, I lose a little of myself to his... darkness. It's starting to consume me."

"Please tell me you're not serious."

"Jess, do I seem like I'm in the mood to crack jokes right now?"

"I know that, I know. I'm just so scared for you. This isn't you. It's not who you are."

"But don't you get it?" Catalina said desperately. "Part of it is me. That's why all this is happening. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be so vulnerable like this. I wouldn't see it the way I do now. But - he saw what I had and made it... me."

"Don't say that," I pleaded, though the ring of truth to her words echoed in my brain. I would never forget Andrew warning me of the other side of her. The side even I barely knew. The side she kept in her mind for not a soul to see. "There's a man's mind inside of you, telling you this darkness is a part of you. But you know you're better than that. You are more than your darkness."

"For so long, I tried to believe that too. But now, I don't know."

"He's trying to tell you that, don't you know? He's trying to get you to die! You can't listen to him! He is brainwashing you." If this man hadn't already taken his own life, I would have marched up to his house with a gun and done it myself. I stared at Catalina desperately as if my eyes could reverse all the pain being forced upon her.

"Catalina, I know you have pain inside of you, but the good days are so much better than the bad. They make everything worth it, don't you remember? Those endless summers when we ate like shit and fucked up our sleep schedules? And went to summer camp and learned how to cook and burned our food at the cookoff on the last day of the session? And winters when practically the whole school exchanged gifts and we would watch Netflix for hours and make forts with dozens of comfy blankets? I know you were happy then. I know you have so much light inside of you."

"Yeah." Catalina blinked and slowly sipped her tea. "Somewhere."

I swallowed back the start of falling tears, my mind at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry again I treated you like shit," she said. All of her speech was slowed, as though she was still recovering from her struggle. "Just know... I was thinking about you the whole time."

"I wish you would have done some of that thinking out loud."

"I love you, Jess. You're my best friend. And I tried to do the right thing, and I messed up. I don't know what else to say."

"Thanks," I said. "I mean, for your apology. I'm glad you understand what you did. Not to be patronizing or anything," I added. "I just mean it makes me feel better to know that you care."