To Everything, There Is A Season

Chapter 8

Don held Meryl's hand tightly in his as she led him on their walk; they really didn't say much, they just enjoyed the walk together. Don was surprised when she walked past their cliff and continued to walk out to the shore. He knew where she was going; and was surprised. She was taking them to visit William. Don stopped her as they got closer and closer to William's headstone that Don had made himself, and the sculpture he made rather quickly for their son. "Baby, we don't have to go here."

"I want to." Meryl choked as the tears were appearing in her eyes. "It is really important to me that we go see William together. Last time we were here, I wasn't really myself."

Don stopped her to hold her head in his hands. "Baby, you were still healing from your rape when you HAD to give birth to our boy who was already gone; of course you weren't yourself. I wasn't either. What you went through was HORRIFIC. ALL. OF. IT."

"What WE went through was horrific." Meryl corrected him; she felt like he let her off the hook way too much. "You have always been yourself, but I wasn't myself. I am now, and so I want to visit our baby's grave with my husband."

Don tenderly kissed her lips as he didn't even bother wiping away either of their tears. "Have I told you how damn proud I was of you for giving birth to William; while you knew the outcome? You were in so much pain and yet you gave birth to our baby boy."

"No." Meryl was thinking back. "I don't think you did; though you told me how much you loved me over and over again."

Don gave her a sad smile. "And I do; more than anything."

"I know, baby." Meryl's heart twisted. "I don't think I told you how much I love you at the time, and I'm so..."

Don wasn't surprised that she didn't remember; after all, so much had happened that day and they were both completely overwhelmed. "You did, sweetheart; I promise. Are you ready to visit our boy?"

"Yeah." Meryl nodded. "Together."

Hand in hand, Don and Meryl walked over to their baby boy's grave. It just all seemed so wrong. They shouldn't have to walk out to their baby's grave in order to see him; he should be alive and living with them. Don helped his wife kneel at their babies grave and he joined her; suddenly all of the emotions he had kept buried for the past two months erupted as he buried his head in his hands and sobbed; he sobbed as if he would never stop. Meryl quickly took his head in her hands as he cried like she hadn't heard him since after rape. "Don, baby; talk to me, sweetheart."

"I...I...can't..." Don sobbed. "Tried hard to...be strong...for you and...Henry."

That is when Meryl realized that he had kept the hurt of losing their baby bottled up and that she had been so involved with her own pain that she didn't even realize how much he was hurting. She was so angry at herself that she wasn't there for him like he was always there for her, that she wasn't there for him like he needed; but she was there now. "YOU are my strength and my joy, Donald Gummer. There is no way in fucking hell that Henry and I would be so happy, and doing as well as we are if it weren't for you. It's your turn, sweetheart; let it all out. Please, baby, talk to me."

"It's not fucking fair. We shouldn't be visiting his grave; we should be preparing for his birth. YOU should be having a baby shower for your baby. In a month we should be holding him in our arms, introducing him to Henry. This winter we should be preparing for his first Christmas, but I can't help but wonder if he'll get cold out here. I know it's stupid, but I can't help but think about that." Don cried. "We should be holding our baby. I'm fucking pissed off because you shouldn't have had to go through all that pain after everything you went through. I'm sad because we shouldn't have had to explain to Henry about his angel baby brother being in heaven. It's not right, M, it's just not right."