it's so lonely here

Promise?

Emma's POV
I held onto Ethan as James drove us to the hotel. I wasn't asleep, but I pretended to be. I didn't want to continue the conversation, I felt terribly guilty for everything that had occured. I rested my head on Ethan's chest and listened to his heartbeat. He always made me feel so safe, I've missed his comforting hugs. Small tears escaped my closed eyes, "You're so fucking stupid Emma," I thought, and I was. My mind was a mess and I couldn't decided if I was happy to be alive or upset that Ethan stopped me.. He watched me almost jump, he saw me try and process how far down it was. I couldn't imagine what he must have felt, I would have gone into complete panic mode if the roles were reversed. Everything would be so much easier if I were dead, but one thing's for sure, I'd miss Ethan. I'd miss him so damn much. There nothing I love more than when I am around him, sitting next to him, holding his hand, or sleeping in his arms. His laugh gives me butterflies and his eyes send shivers down my spine. I love him more than life and maybe that's my reason to stay. He's the reason I'm here... literally. But at the same time I cause so much pain and destruction. I'm such a burden and he'd be able to live a happier life if he didn't have to deal with all of my issues. I tried to shut my brain off, but before I could rest we were pulling into the hotel parking lot. "Em," Ethan whispered into my ear, "baby.. We stopped at a hotel to sleep for the night, let's go inside." I opened my eyes and looked up at Ethan, his soft brown hair tousled to the side, his warm eyes examining my face. "Is that okay with you?" he asked, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "Okay," I whispered back. I got off his lap and slide out the door. Ethan helped me grab a few things from my trunk, then we headed to the lobby. Luckily the hotel wasn't busy so we didn't have trouble checking in. Ethan and I shared a room, while Grayson and James shared one a few doors down. Ethan unlocked the door and I hurried inside to set my bag down. He shut the door and slowly walked over to me. "Do you want to shower tonight?" he asked while taking a seat next to me. "I guess, maybe that'll help," I shrugged. I got up and went over to my bag to search for the shampoo and condition I packed. "Are you going to be okay in there?" he asked with concern in his eyes, "you're not going to hurt yourself, right?" he questioned. A piece of my heart cracked when I looked over at him, he was so worried about losing me that he needed reassurance that I'd be okay in the bathroom alone. "I'll be okay," I said, looking him in the eyes. "Okay, can you leave the door slightly open, just in case?" I nodded and headed into the bathroom, making sure not to shut it all the way. I set my shampoo and conditioner in the shower and turned to look at myself in the mirror. The sight was tragic if I'm being completely honest. My hair was damp from the rain and my eyes were swollen from crying. "I'm sorry," I mouthed to the girl in the mirror, I really was so so sorry. I turned back to the shower and started to get inside. I quickly washed my hair and body so I could let the warm water run down my skin. It would've been relaxing if it weren't for all the cuts on my arm. Every droplet stung, making me want to scream, but i stayed put. As the pain increased I still couldn't bring myself to turn off the water. I deserved to feel miserable, I put the ones I loved through so much shit today that I needed to make up for it. I didn't realize I had started crying until Ethan burst through the door. "Emma," he yelled, slightly out of breath,"Emma are you okay?" he asked outside of the curtain. "Yeah," I lied, "I'll be out in a sec." He let out a sign and walked out to the bedroom. I shut off the water and started to dry off when I noticed a few of my cuts starting to bleed again. I needed to get a bandaid but Ethan was out there. I quickly put on my clothes and walked over to my suitcase, rummaging through the blankets to find them. "What are you looking for," Ethan questioned from the bed. "Oh.. um just some bandaids," I responded, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, because,  honestly, it wasn't anything to be concerned about. It's not like I was just slitting my wrists in the shower, these were scabs. "What? What's wrong, what happened?" he asked as got off the bed and stood next to me. "It's nothing E," I said looking up at him, "my arm just started bleeding a bit and I need a few bandaids, that's all." I moved my eyes back to my suitcase and continued my hunt. When I finally found them I picked the box up and headed back towards bathroom. I didn't get very far because Ethan's hand grabbed me and pulled me back to the bed with him. "E, what are you doing?" I said. He didn't respond, but soon we were both sitting on the bed face to face. "Show me," he quietly said. "Huh?" I gave him a funny look, did he really just ask me to show him my arm? "Show me," he said again, his eyes moving from me to my arm, "want to help you." "But E-" "No, em I want to help you, please," he said while cutting me off. I handed him the box of bandaids as I slowly lifted up the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I could see the sadness rush into his eyes as he looked over each cut. He didn't say anything as he gently wiped away the blood and patched up the wounds that were open. When we were finished he set the box on the nightstand and intertwined my hands into his. "Emma," he said, pulling one of his hands away to tilt my head up. "Will you promise me something?" he asked, looking deep into my eyes. "Yeah," I breathed. "Will you promise to never hurt yourself again," he said as a tear slowly ran down his cheek. I took my thumb and brushed it away, letting my fingers roam through his hair. He took the hand into his, kissed it, and then returned his gaze to my eyes, "do you promise?" he asked again. I really didn't want to continue cutting, it didn't serve a purpose for me anymore, but it wasn't something I could promise to never do again. I'd try, but I couldn't promise I wouldn't break sometimes. "What if I slip up?" I said, tilting my head back down. "Come to me," he said, "tell me instead of hurting yourself. I'm not expecting you to never do it again, I know there might be slip ups, but come to me and maybe it'll be easier not to do it.." I could hear the desperation in his voice, this affected him so much more than I thought. Tears began to pool in my eyes, I couldn't shake the guilty feeling out of me, "Promise?" he said again. "Promise," I replied as tears silently streamed down my cheeks. He pulled me into a hug and gently kissed my cheek. "I love you Emma," he whispered into my ear. "I love you too," I responded as we both snuggled under the covers. He put his arms around my waist, pushing his body against mine. "Wake me up if you need anything," he said as he nuzzled his chin into my shoulder. "Okay," I replied. "Goodnight Em," he breathed. "Goodnight E," I quietly said, listening to the small snores that escaped is mouth. I closed my eyes too, and soon drifted into sleep.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: trying to figure out where I want this story to go. Let me know if your still liking it!

Word count: 1415