stigma

|11|

I was able to pull through for a week without telling anyone, but my panic got the best of me, and it was probably this anxiety which became an incredibly huge obstacle in my daily life. Not only was stress bad for my body, but it was also even worse for my mind- messing up my sleep schedule so badly that I would barely be able to sleep 3 hours at night before getting up and deciding to study instead.

I was more lethargic during school, struggling to keep my eyes open during class. Instant drowsiness would wash over me, the gentle breeze from the open windows only adding as a benefactor to lull me to sleep. There were some days when I would swallow a Benadryl just to help me get regular hours of sleep, instead, I would feel nauseous and wouldn't be able to eat.

I grew more clumsy, tripping over things and often dropping them too. It was involuntary of course, my muscles randomly failing me when they were too tired, just like my entire body, just like my mind, and yet my cheeks always flushed in irritance as I muttered an apology. I was angry at myself, at my stupid body that was always so tired. Mostly at my stupid self for misplacing my medication. 'Or were they stolen?' my inner self always silently mused.

There was an instance when I'd dropped a stack of lab manuals, a bundle that I'd graciously agreed to carry for my teacher. I watched in horror as most of the books flew open, and the test papers that were tucked inside them floated in the air like feathers cascading from the heavens. Hannah, who was helping me, looked at me in exasperation as she set down her bundle of books. But she wordlessly knelt down beside me, gathering up the papers in her hands, not bothering to tuck them back inside their books. After a moment, she spoke.

"Is everything okay with you, dude?"

"Perfect," I replied, trying to sound indifferent. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason. You seem a bit more absent-minded lately."

"God, can't help it if I'm a bit clumsy." I stood up, tearing my gaze away from her as I pretended to arrange the papers in a neat stack, when in fact I couldn't be any less bothered.

She didn't say anything else, shrugging and sauntering over to pick up her books. I struggled with the papers, trying to arrange them according to roll numbers when Calvin strode out of his classroom.

Great. Just what I needed.

He stopped when he saw the two of us in the middle of the hallway, then walked towards us and shot us a smile.

"Hey," he said, glancing towards me and when I didn't look up, turned towards Hannah. "What're you guys doing here?"

"We had to get these manuals to the lab. Got a bit sidetracked when Ciara dropped her entire bundle."

"Aha," he exclaimed, and I saw him shoot a small glance my way before he spoke up again. "Mind if I help you?"

"We're perfectly capable, thank you," I said, finally looking up at him. He was studying me with this odd little smile on his face which I didn't quite understand, the kind of smile that you made when you were confused. "Aren't you supposed to be in class anyway?"

"I have a break right now," he replied coolly. "Also you're really trying to wrestle with sheet ties?"

I huffed. "It was in an annoying knot that dragged other kid's papers with it."

"Wow, you definitely need my help then," he said. And despite my protests, picked up half the stack of books and handed them to me before picking up the rest. I shot him a glare and he smiled innocently right back at me, which I found blinding and annoying. I tucked the test papers at the back of a book, deciding to sort everything out later.