stigma

|13|

It was drizzling outside and my impatient fingers plucked the strings of my guitar absently as my mind wandered. It seemed to wander a lot lately, my thoughts invasive and rapid, never staying on one topic longer than a few seconds. It was images this time, concerning a certain someone who wouldn't get out of my head.

His gaze was what unnerved me the most. That fixated gaze that seemed to cut right through me, that seemed to make me feel almost exposed. Perhaps it was a bad thing that I shared a past with Calvin because there was so much more to think about, so many more moments that I could recall. The images flashed through my mind- the day at detention, the night we slept at the party, when we found out about each other's rings; and then came the recallings of childhood, when Calvin would play with Levi and I would watch from the doorway, and when the three of us would play catch and run around the lawn until we couldn't breathe. The me of then and the me of now were totally different and I sometimes wondered if he ever found that disappointing. He, on the other hand, was totally the same. At least for the most part.

I stopped playing when the tune suddenly turned discordant. I blinked, forcing my thoughts to cease as I set my guitar down, exhaling. I instead focused on my hands, the pale frail things that wouldn't stop fidgeting with each other. I sighed, rounding up my musings like rogue animals and banishing them to the back of my head, lying down in the process for a short nap as I felt my eyes droop.

"What's up with you?" Sophie asked the next day at school, sitting down next to me in the canteen.

I was stuck in my own thoughts, food untouched in front of me that the sudden voice made me jump a bit. "Huh?"

"The food isn't so bad today, is it?"

This received a small smile from me. I glanced down at my plate, a mini-mountain of rice piled with lentils, an extra serving of terribly mild pickle and bitter gourd curry. Yes, it wasn't especially bad but not exactly a 4-star meal anyways.

"It isn't so great..." I trailed, rubbing my eyes. "Nothing. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Ooh, enlighten me."

I chuckled dryly. "Trust me, you don't wanna know."

We were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. We looked up to find Dina clutching a plate in her hand, staring intently at us. Definitely off because Dina didn't belong in the canteen. She belonged in the gentle classroom of packed lunches and quiet murmur, not the blustering chaos of the canteen.

"Hey guys!" She smiled sweetly, gesturing at the seat across me. "Can I sit?"

"Um-"

"You see, all the other seats in the canteen are taken so, would you mind if I sit here?"

I shrugged. I guess Dina took that as approval because she sat down across me, a grin etching her features as she started eating. Sophie and I shared a look, and Sophie widened her eyes in an 'I don't know what's happening' manner.

I looked up at Dina to find her looking at me, a thoughtful frown on her face. She suddenly snapped and smiled. "Hey, you're Ciara, right?"

"Yeah."

"From Calvin's class? And the team?"

"That's me."

"Ah, I thought I knew you!" She laughed, leaning in slightly. "How's practice going?"

"Oh well, it's going on," I muttered vaguely, observing how interested she seemed, nodding at my words as a small smile played at her lips.

"I'll bet. The match is next week, right?"