A Sky Full of Blue

Chapter 28: Tan is the Color of the Suit

"How do you know who to trust when human hearts are never readable? You must understand that trust is not a function of full knowledge but a readiness to take risks." ~Unknown.

*Listen to "Self" by Khalid for this chapter.*

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I spend my nights writing in the journal when everyone is asleep. I fill the pages with things that I am beginning to understand, and of things from the past. There are a lot of memories in here, but it's preparing me. I have to tell my story to Theo, and I can tell that he's been waiting for a while.

Theo is hesitant from telling me what he's thinking. So is Toby. I don't know how to tell them that I need to be exposed to this type of thing, so I let them be. Somehow, I feel like doing that is wrong.

There is no more tension between the two, which is good in a way, but it's only because I'm around. I'm tethered to both of them, and they need to get along whether they like it or not.

I have almost filled one blue notebook, and plan on giving it to Theo. Toby knows most of the things in this one, and the color book. I usually share everything with my brother.

I tap my fingers on the cover, feeling the lamplight crossing over my eyes as I sit in bed, contemplating. I rub at my scars, feeling the weight of them, the responsibility. I have to realize that I am not the only one with scars, the only one with extra baggage.

I turn the lamp off and shift in bed, looking out my window. I see the full moon in all of its glory, shining in. It illuminates my walls, the walls with four different colors. The ones that Theo helped me paint.

I see the stars and wonder if I can name all of the constellations in the sky. I know that each one is a small star, lighting the way for many. They do not compare to the sun, but they shine down nonetheless.

Sometimes I like to think of some of the stars as people with different personalities and ideas, my friends. I feel them shining some of their light towards me.

I get out of bed and feel the cold on my toes. I look out the window and see the small dusting of snow on the ground. Soon, all of the grass will be covered and I will have a constant reminder of that day. Of the sadness and blood.

I have to shake it away before the cold and heat collide together. It brings goosebumps to my skin.

I watch as the snow falls gently, hitting the window sill. I perch beside it, touching the pane of glass. I recoil, feeling the cold against my fingertips.

I think of Theo, the day I will get to spend with him tomorrow. I think of the man that has to come tomorrow to evaluate me, and tears prick at the corners of my eyes. I will do everything I can to be good. I will try as hard as I can to stop these episodes.

I rest my head, not really caring about the cold. I think about the warmth of Theo's arms around me, and that's all I need. I fall asleep there, dreaming of glistening stars and boys with curly hair, taking me to a place where there is no such thing as Asperger's.

***

I wake up with a pool of drool by my mouth and a blanket draped around my shoulders. The ground is completely covered with snow, and there are still flakes falling. I watch in wonder as each one twirls past me, different from the rest.

I hear footsteps and get up, wrapping the blanket around myself. My breath is visible in my room, and I feel the chill on my skin. I'm sure the heaters are going on full blast, but I can't feel it from this side of the house.