Divided

Two.

Janet

Leaving my gynecologist's appointment, I headed to my home as I received hopeful news. Around the age of seventeen, being a cool, yet shy individual, I was invited to many parties. Nothing too crazy, up until I was raped in the bathroom. The man who did it was sentenced to jail for fifteen years. It's been twenty years since I've last seen him. The incident caused me to become pregnant at a young age, but thankfully I had a miscarriage. I wouldn't be able to look at my child, knowing that baby was made out of hatred.

Not a soul in my family knew about the situation that took place. I was lucky to have a best friend, Katrina, but depression took over which caused her to commit suicide. I could never be truly happy with anything in life. Honestly speaking, there were times I had suicidal thoughts. Internalizing my feelings, I tend to shut people out, and wonder why they'd never fight for me. My family was my everything but I've never reached out to communicate.

Of course I loved my family, but they just couldn't understand my feelings or I. Being the middle child, I was often overseen by people. Suffering in silence was an understatement. Last time I've seen my family was at my brother-in-law's funeral, which took place three months ago.

My baby sister really had gone through a lot, but she pushed me away which caused me to further distance myself. With the birth of my nieces and nephews, I've always been there. They were like my children in a sense; loving on them, caring, and protecting them.

I was never fond of my looks growing up. I've always received compliments, but it never stuck with me. I still thought I wasn't the prettiest. My other siblings were extremely gorgeous to me; Toni had a small stature, yet she was curvy. Whitney's slim, and her height attracted guys. Then there was me, someone who had chubby cheeks, and a baby face.

I lived in a decent sized home, with my Yorkie puppy, Jazz. He kept me company while I felt alone. Whenever I felt down, for some reason he always made me feel good.

Parking my vehicle in my driveway, I noticed the rain pouring down from the grey-color sky. Sighing in the rearview mirror, realizing I got my hair done, I looked for my house key. Preparing myself to run from the car to the door, I got my key in my hand, along with my bag.

Running to the front door, I was thankful I extended the roof to protect myself from the rain. Looking in my mailbox, I got something that really made me suspicious. Seeing a letter from my deceased best friend, tears welled up in my eyes. She's been gone for eight months, and this felt weird. I changed out of my clothes and putting on something comfortable, I opened the letter and put Jazz next me as he cuddled into me.

Caressing his head while reading the letter, I could not hold back my emotions. I did everything in my power to console myself, through the loss of Katrina.

Dearest Jan,

I wanted to say how much I love you and our friendship together. We've been through so many hardships, but you never changed on me. I really appreciate you for you. I've been suffering with depression for the past decade, and I wanted you to know that this was never you fault. This was probably selfish of me leaving you behind.

Don't let anyone ever tell you to change that "love" to a "loved" because it's just wrong. The love still exist, I promise you. Even when I don't exist, The love still does. So don't worry, okay? It's just me that's gone. The rest of it is still there. The things I told you, the conversations we had, and the laughs we shared. They're all still real. The only thing that isn't is me.

Again, I will forever love you, Janet. My best friend, my go to, and my Taurus sister.

Kat

Every word that was written in the letter made me extra vulnerable. Kat was someone who was truly there for me. Sometimes she was more of a sister than Whitney and Toni could ever be. We've been best friends since third grade, and she's never left my side.

Eight months ago, I walked into her house and saw her dangling from the ceiling fan in her living room. I just remember calling the ambulance and the ride to the hospital. Constantly praying to God asking for healing and forgiveness, I was hoping that she'd survive. She died from suffocation with a brain aneurism. I've tried my best to forgive her, but the letter was straight confirmation.

There were so many sleepless nights, tears, and heartaches. I went to therapy for six and a half months, which made me feel better. I spoke to someone about my losses in life. One day, and hopefully when that day comes, I'll be happy.