Misery//Lashton

Up In Smoke||2

I know I let you down again

I get it

I see that look in your eye

I just hope you could see

I swear to God that I tried

I just thought for once in my life I could do something right, but I can't

And I'm sorry

Heard you call? Did you want me?

I can feel the pressure weighing down on me

I can't live up to all your standards

Up In Smoke || Neck Deep

I could hear Ashton stumble over to my bed and bump into a few objects on the way over to me. "oh fuck." he mumbled everytime. He eventually found the bed, not to his bed, but mine. He pulled the covers down and laid down in the bed. His face close to mine. I could smell the alchol on his breath and it made me want to cringe.

He put an arm around me and and pulled me closer to him putting his head in my neck, makimg me shiver as closed his eyes. I didn't know how i felt at the moment. Confused mostly, I didn't understand why he didn't just go to his own bed, but i liked that he came to me, but I don't want him with me right now, but i just want to be close to him. God, Luke pull yourslef together you idiot!

I decided that I couldn't let him sleep with me. So I waited for him to fall asleep, whcih wouldn't take that long consdering how drunk he is, and then I'd move to the other bed.

Ashton fell asleep in seconds, he was slightly snoring and it made me want to smile, but I couldn't. I moved his arm that was tightly wrapped around me and slowly moved myself off the bed. His head hit the pillow, but he continued to sleep. I let out a small sigh of relief that he didn't wake up. I walked to the other bed and slipped under the covers, suddenly feeling exhausted and the urge to sleep washed over me. I shut my eyes and fell alseep for the first time in days.

//

I woke up early, well early to the band was anytime before noon, and I was up at 10. I looked over at Ashton. who was still sleeping in the other bed. I knew he was gonna be pissy when he woke up becuase of his hangover, and the sunlight was going to bothe him. I walked over to the windows that overlooked the city we were staying in right now. I looked at the city around me and was completely stumped on where we even were. I shrugged my shoulders, guessing I'd figure it out later. I pulled the curtains together on all the windows so the room was almost pitch dark. I walked towards my suticase and fished around for a sweater and jeans so I could change, and possibly go out.

I took my clothes into the bathroom and got dressed as quickly as possible, avoiding looking into the mirror to see how disgusting I looked right now. I did look, when I had finshed changing, looking at how messy my hair looked. I could fix it how I wnated it to to look or just wear a hat and call it a day.

I chose hat.

I threw my clothes back into my suitecase and put my shoes on. As soon as I left the hotel room, I had to figure out where I was going. But I decided to go to a convience store. Maybe buy something for Ashton.

Stop thinking about him Luke, your such a fucking fag I gulped and continuied to the covience store, ignoring the voice in my head.

I stepped into the conveicne store, that was luckily ony axross the street of the hotel. There was barely anyone in there. I was suprised considering it semmed like a busy city. I shrugged to myself and walked towrds where the medicnce was, I knew Ashton might want advil, and I might want it for other things...

I shook my head and quickly grabbed a hue bottle of pain killers and walked into another aisle. I looked aorund for other things I might need, I didn't really need anything. Buy it felt weird jus tbuying pain killers, so I looked around at the drinks and grabbed some ginger ale.

Before I could get to the line I felt someone tap me on the shoulder and ask "excuse me?" I turned to see a girl standing there, she looked about 17, very pretty, but definitly not my type, becuase she wasn't Ashton. "Are you in 5 seconds of summer?" She asked.

"Um yeah." I said forcing a smile. "I'm Luke." I mentally slapped myself, she prbably already knew that. But her smile faltered when she heard my name. "Oh you're Luke." I shot her a weird look as she continuied, "You're that one that can't really sing or play gutair. I don't really know why they even let you into the band." I but my lip as tears formed at the corners of my eyes. I don't know why what she was saying was effecting me so much but it was.

"O-oh." I said looking down at my feet. "Sorry about that." I muttered. The girl didn't answet just nodded and walked away. I looked down at th gorund thw whole time I was checking out at the counter and all the way back to my hotel room.

I had only let a few tears a escape my eyes before I quickly and roughly wiped them away before enterng the room, being as quiet as possible, notcing how the room was still colpetely dark, meaning Ashton was still asleep.

I shut the door and put the bag on the side table next to Ashon's bed. I went over to my suitcase and changed back into my pajamas. Not really knowing why, I guess I jsut wanted to try and sleep more or just sit in bed and sulk for a bit.

As soon as I pulled the covers over my head I began to think about what the girl has said. She's right Luke. You can't fucking do anything right. You're messing everything up for the band. Even the fans think of you like that! God Luke why can't you jut die already! Stop being a baby and just do it already! A sob escpaed my lips before I sintantly covered my mouth, and I continueied to shake as I cried. I heard Ashton roll over in his bed, "Luke?" His voice sounded strained and deep. "Luke, are you okay?" I could hear the tired in his voice. I heard him whisper 'fuck' to himslef, probably becuase of his headache.

"I'm fine." I said clearly, semi proud of myself for not letting my voice crack.

"Mm, ok." I sighed in relief, hoping he didn't hear that. "Um Luke, why am I in your bed?" He asked.

"You laid down in that one last night while I was in bed, so I just got up and moved."

"Oh," He sounded upset. Why?? I bet he was upset becuase he can't belive he actually made pysical contact with such a worthless thing like me. I heard the sound of ruffling of plastic and knew that he had reached for the bag next to his bed. "Oh um thanks for this Luke."

"No problem." I muttered wiping away a few stray tears on my face. I still was under my covers so I couldn't see what Ashton was doing. but I heard him groan loudly and the sound of his feet on the floor.

"Cal, MIkey and I are going out, so I'll see you in a bit"

"Mmm." I said. I knew it sounded stupid, but I was a bit offended that the boys didn't invite me to go out with them, but I knew they wouldn't want to be seen around me. Who would?

He spent a good 15 minutes getting ready before he sid a quick goodbye before leaving the room. I waited a few more secnds before I began crying again, not holding anything in. I hated not being good enough for even my own bandmates, not being good enough for anyone.

"I'm sorry." I yelled through my tears. I pulled my hair suddenly feeling angry. "I'm so fucking sorry." I cried. I laid in bed crying for a while more before I shakily got out of bed and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me, just to be safe. I practilly though myself onto the counter and rumaged through my stuff to find a blade. I presed it agaisnt my wrist and slid it across my skin hissing at the pain, but not stopping, I needed this.

I didn't desrve to live.

AN// oh my god chapter 2!! omg thanks for actually reading this fic it means a lot to me :)