Sherlock Imagines

> Wish You Were Gay <

Baby, I don't feel so good
Six words you never understood

I can't help but stare at you as you walk in. Your eyes focus and your form tense. With John by your side, jealousy boiling over. My chest hurts from the pain, but I stand firm. You ask for samples and question behavior for another case. It's more of a demand if nothing, but I give them in a sad trance, understanding that we will never happen. I swallow hard watching you leave.

I'll never let you go
Five words you'll never say

I can't help imagining, what you would sound like, if you talked with love to me. What you embrace could be like, or what your hand feels like in mine. Your lips on meeting my lips, and whispers of sweet nothings. Comfort on sad days and laughter on the good. Coming home from work, restless nights or long days. Delicate touches or glances of love.

I laugh alone like nothing's wrong
Four days have never felt so long

Sometimes the pain will become numb. Other times it stings in waves. I have to pretend that our bond is okay, like it wasn't broken just days ago. Your remarks cut through me like a knife. John looks me in the eyes as he leaves and whispers.
"Are you okay?" I just laugh and nod.

If three's a crowd and two was us
One slipped away

Alone in the dark room, I think back to when we were all just having fun. I smiled at one point, my way of handling the grief. No issues, no one falling in love. You would treat me like one of your friends, a special title for little to no people. We would laugh and you would at least smile. Or the moments of quiet were we just knew what was wrong. At those times, I could see your pain healing, but then seconds after you would build the walls up again.

I just wanna make you feel okay
But all you do is look the other way

I remember the look you try to hide everyday. Suppress it down and down with sharp and hostile remarks. It, it breaks me. When your eyes would meet with someone you trust, begging them to see the brokenness, but I can't say a word. You build the walls so high to where even you struggle to see over it.

I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay
I just kinda wish you were gay

I want to understand how you work, what you think on a daily basis. How I could get some closure. Closure on why you won't let anyone close, and your strong dislike to loving anyone. On not loving me. Your thought pattern or what you used to deduce people. What you think of me now.

Is there a reason we're not through?
Is there a 12 step just for you?

I stare at the doors that you had exited through, waiting for something. For you to bust through the door and explain everything. That you maybe still cared for me or you forgave me. I sigh and blink away tears because I know it will never happen.

Our conversation's all in blue
11 "heys"

I feel my stomach knot as I read the texts over the past couple of days. Even though it was simple "heys", I could feel the anxiety drip off of each one. You hadn't even opened the messages. I bit my lip as I scan through our old messages. Nice and simple.

Ten fingers tearing out my hair
Nine times you never made it there

I threw my phone on the ground. The feeling in my chest didn't go away and I started crying uncontrollably. I shoved all my papers to the ground and curled up in a fetal position. I blocked out the ringing in my ears and wailed.

I ate alone at 7, you were six minutes away

All those times I should have taken the hint come back to me. The small insults, or the lack of being on time. References to work or a particularly hard case. My cries had become silent, but every thought laid heavy.

How am I supposed to make you feel okay
When all you do is walk the other way?

All those embarrassing jokes or skits to try and make you laugh, I guess were all for nothing. You still hold on to smoking and drugs for your escape from the dark world. You ignore my attempts and spit in my face.

I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay
I just kinda wish you were gay

I just want to understand. I took your insults and ignored your negative mindset because I thought that there was some way to heal you. To make you be happy, even for a moment. To help you love something. To love...me.

To spare my pride
To give you lack of interest an explaintion

I want to reason with myself. Maybe your in love with John, perhaps? I need proof that these years were not wasted just because of a few nights ago. I need you to love something. Anyone. One question stands bold in my mind. Why am I not good enough?

Don't say I'm not your type
Just say I'm not your preferred sexual orientation

You have to tell me. Tell me why this was a waste. I'm losing my mind. I need to know why I'm so flawed. I spent years, waiting for the moment to be with you, but instead watched my heart get stepped on.

I'm so selfish
But you make me feel so helpless, yeah

I get up from my position and start closing up. I can't be here much longer. I pick up a few papers and tuck my phone in my pocket without thought. Shaking, I lock up and head home. I've tried so hard. Your blue-green eyes pierce through my thoughts, how bitter they were.

And I can't stand another day
Stand another day

It's always going to be this way, isn't it? She falls in love and he had set the trap. But really, he doesn't love her. He turns away when he has her heart. I remember the countless hearts you broke those years ago.

I just wanna make you feel okay
But all you do is look the other way

I guess you don't really see it. After all, "sentiment is a defect." I laugh to myself. You'll always be like that. Intelligent but absolutely clueless.

I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay

The hysteria of the moment passed and the pain sunk in again. You don't love me. I'll never know why. Why I'm not good enough or why you suddenly stopped treating me like a human. Your aversion to women or love. I broke down in the middle of the sidewalk.

I just kinda wish you were gay

I just kinda wish you were gay

I just kinda wish you were gay