Moving On

Three

I filed in admission to Miami U earlier today, and every councillor I talked to praised me for my performance in Talawanda, and said that they haven't seen a student like me for a while. A promising student, they said I am. Wow.

But whatever compliment they throw at me won't take my guilt away. Guilt that I'm reminded Justin won't get to experience what college feels like; along with the other things his mom was talking about last week. When we had the summer together, he talked about college all the damn time. He said he was psyched. He said he can't wait any longer. And then the accident happened. I feel like I stole this from him.

Nevertheless, I'm decided to keep myself afloat. I'm done wallowing in grief and in Justin's shadows. I'm sure that if he saw me like this, he'll scold me and tell me to woman up. So I am.

I got myself a dorm at the university, which means I won't be living in the apartment anymore. I won't be with mom anymore, and she's got to go back to Columbus. All I need to worry about is my new roommate. I'm meeting her on the first day, which is still a few weeks away. I hope she's nice. I already called mom about the whole dorm thing, and she's onto it at the moment.

As for me, I'm going somewhere. I'm going to Columbus today.

-

"Where do you want me to drop you?" The cab driver asks me as he passes by a huge WELCOME TO COLUMBUS sign.

"Do you know the Applebee's in the university district?" I ask him back. I chose Applebee's because I don't have anywhere else to go. I can go to our old house but I don't have the keys. Nobody knows I went here-yet.

"Of course. You want me to drop you there?"

"Yes, please."

I didn't have a plan. Nobody knows I'm here. I don't know where to find Luke, or if he's even here. I'm pathetically lost. I should've listened to Calum. "It's not a good idea," I remember him saying. I still didn't listen though, and now I'm frantically searching where to start.

As the cab passes by a lot of places that I used to love here, like my old school, the bookstore where I met Luke, and many others, I start to ask myself why I left Columbus in the first place. Was it because I wanted to make Justin happy by agreeing to move far away from here, hence moving far away from Luke? Or because I felt like I owed him something?

There are so many questions left unanswered because of Justin's death, and I have even more questions for myself that I can't answer. I feel like a complete foreigner in my own body, every decision I made feels alien. Who am I?

"We're here," the cabbie snaps me out of my moment as he pulls the cab to the curb. "That'll be forty dollars."

I hand him the cash, say thank you, and move out of the car. I breathe in the Columbus air for a second, and started to make my way around the university district. The last time I've been here, I was with Justin. We ate at Applebee's, where I saw the poster that said 5SOS was going to have a gig in the city.

I pass by a group of friends which, I assume, are fans of the band.

"Have you heard?" A girl with a shrill voice asks her girl friends.

"About what?" Another asks.

"They say a member of the band got a girl pregnant!" The shrill girl exclaims. I flinch. I thought Carly wasn't keen on telling the fans? The other girls simultaneously let out "ohhh's" and the shrill girl added, "I bet it's Calum. He's the naughty one."

I almost wanted to walk up to them and tell to their faces that Calum isn't like that at all. Is that what Calum seem like to the fans? Why does he approve of that image?