Long Way Down

Touch

Troye’s POV

Closing Tyler’s door behind me, I let out the deepest breath I didn’t even know I was holding. Rushing through the hallway, I grab my keys  from my pocket to open my room, throwing both my shoes and laptop on the floor as soon as I got in. I closed the door with my back and instantly slid down against it, sensing the mixture of feelings consuming my entire body.

I sat down with my head sunk between my knees and my hands fisted on the hair on the back of my neck, pulling it harshly as I tried to digest what had just happened.

Tyler straddling me, his lips so close to mine I could feel his warm breath on my lower lip, brushing it against his before I pulled him into a deep and passionate kiss.

I closed my eyes and bit my lip, the flashbacks bringing a known shiver down my stomach as I replayed it repeatedly inside my head.

"I don't what I was thinking, Troye, it just... it didn't mean anything."

I threw my head harshly against the door behind me, feeling like my happiness was being squeezed out of my heart, his voice echoing in my head as I felt my vision blur with all the tears I was trying so hard to contain back in his room.

“But I just… I feel so bad, you know? The idea of hurting him is killing me, Troye…”

I placed my hands on my face, feeling the tears now rolling down my cheeks, the guilt for making him go through this making my heart ache even more than it already was.

I can’t believe this, this cannot be happening. I just slept with my best friend, the man I had been thinking about for months. Which would be amazing, if it hadn’t turned out to be the worst day of my life after what he said. Tyler said it didn’t mean anything. For him, that wasn’t nothing more than a mistake.

I can’t believe that for half a second after I actually thought that a goddamn hook up would change anything between us, that it could mean that deep inside he could feel the same way about me.

And yet there he was, worried that this mistake would fuck up what he has with him. He doesn’t, and won’t ever, see me as I see him. Nothing but a friend. A friend that might have ruined his potential next long-term relationship.

“I’m such an idiot”, I muttered to myself rubbing my face and wiping all my tears off my cheeks, looking up to the ceiling in attempt to calm myself down, feeling the guilt once again consume me.

I know how it feels to hurt someone, I can’t believe I let this happen to Tyler. I know this didn’t happen just because of me, but I also know that I carry a big part of the guilt. I let my selfish desire take over the situation, even though I knew the consequences. I knew he had someone, someone who he cared about. Someone who could be hurt badly because of what we did.

I couldn't let this happen to him, I couldn't make him go through this because of me. This can never happen again. Not just for his sake, but for my own. I know that what happened back there was just a lustful moment from him, and I can't drown myself even deeper in my feelings for him because of it.  

I got up suddenly, my face still buried in my hands as I paced around my room, making my mind as to how to act on the situation I had found myself into.

With all that happened, I was already a hundred percent sure that nothing would ever work out between us, I might as well not lose my best friend over my stupid feelings. I have to just suck it up. Act as normal as I possibly could so nothing would be awkward between us. Act like each and every slight memory of tonight didn't crush me inside. Act like it hadn’t meant anything.