Pure white (Yaoi)

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

By the fireplace

“Is hell white?”-E.B.

Ichigo’s POV

Delicate piano notes float in the air, almost undetected. The sound is calming and sad at the same time. Warmth surrounds me, like a gentle touch from someone you love. It smells of vanilla and cinnamon and Christmas holidays. Everything around me is pure white. I don’t know if I am sitting down on the ground or if I am floating. I just exist and I am content. I don’t know what happened yesterday, if there were such thing. I don’t know my name or if I have one. But I don’t question myself. It feels good and I don’t want to know something else. Something touches me- it’s soft and slightly ticklish- but all I see is white.

Still, something hot and wet is touching my cheek and I try to use my hand in order to inspect the situation. I can’t feel my arm moving, but my fingers can touch my face. The liquid now is all over my face and my left hand. And then I see…First, it’s just the form of my fingers, but soon I can see tears falling in my opened hands. I’ve been crying this whole time...

Shocked, I try to wipe away my tears, to stop crying, but I don’t seem to be able to stop. Maybe because the peace it’s gone, maybe because I remember who I am. I am Kurosaki Ichigo and I killed my mother. My heart throbs in my chest painfully and another stream of hotter tears burn down my cheeks. I fall. I fall in my knees and look up out of instinct. I don’t believe in God anymore, but I can’t help but feel hopeless.

“If there’s anyone out there…anything…please, HELP ME!”

No answer, as expected. I shut my eyes closed and let my body fall to the ground with a low thud and sharp pain taking over my left side. But I don’t care. All I can do is sit there and drown in my own tears.

When will it end? If I die, will this pain end?

*****

“Ichigo!”

“Ichigo, wake up, dammit!”

 I snap open my eyes to meet a very worried cat hybrid. He sighs relieved and I frown at him. He throws himself back in the bed and I can’t help but look around. It’s morning and the white light from outside is invading the room harshly. Fat snowflakes slowly fall down from the grey sky; no wind dares to make the trees dance. It’s my turn to sigh and run a hand through my hair. So I’ve been dreaming again. I close my eyes tired, although I’ve been sleeping until now. The dream has exhausted me.  Why can’t I be left alone? Haven’t I suffered enough? Apparently not.  And judging by how things go, I’ll probably never do. How I wish I stopped existing…just like in my dream.

“You ok, King?” I turn to look at him; for a second I completely forgot about his existence. Speaking of Shirosaki…what is he doing in my bed?

“What are you doing here?” I ask slightly suspicious. Could have he lied the other day when he said he wasn’t interested in men? I hope not.

“Umm…well…you see…” he is clearly embarrassed and he is avoiding my gaze. This can’t mean anything good. “You were kind of screamin’ in your sleep…I thought someone tried ta kill you. Ya calmed down when I held ya in my arms, so yeah…I kinda fell asleep too afterwards.” He explains, still looking away, while scratching his cheek with his index.

“Oh,” I am at loss of words. “I see…I’m sorry, Shirosaki,” I mumble slightly embarrassed. I never knew I was violent in my sleep and I never really thought I could be. “This never crossed my mind…”