Never

Chapter 1

It's been a long time since I've let myself feel something.

I have learned from a young age that expectations and false hope is much worse than living in a dumpster. It was the little girl in the alley that's preventing me to feel when all I've known my whole life is the harshness of the world.

Today I let myself feel hope. Knowing that I too should be easy on myself, Rita always says to me that everything should'nt be so black and white. But it's hard to believe her when she never experienced firsthand what I saw, tasted, listened and felt.

Nothing in this world could ever scrub that dirt on me. Until the day I take my last breathe I'll carry it with me.

But today I convinced myself that everything's gonna change for me. This is my fresh start, my last try at life.

I am greeted with a gap-toothed woman from the reception and was instructed to wait before the hotel manager meets me. After an hour of signing papers and questions I am officially a hotel cleaner here at the Dinaivan Hotel.

The brimming joy of finally having to earn money for myself is enough to let a couple of tears escape. I am finally doing it! No more running around alli girl, no more skipping meals or hiding. No more! It's not much but for me it's everything.

1 month later

Today is rest day. I'm sitting here at the lounge of Rita's humble house and listening to her ramble on and off about her husband Tony. Rita is the closest thing to a family I have though we're not related she seems to have taken the responsibility to mold me just like a parent would do to her own child. She took me in 6 years ago after I got caught stealing her hot choco. If it wasn't for her I would have been in jail now..

"Sometimes I wish I had gone too you know", she quitely speaks. Her husband had died on a car accident. Rita was driving and didn't see the car swerving towards them. Tony had died instantly, while Rita never got her sight back.

"Hey", I said softly hugging her. "It's alright".

"Damn I miss him so much", her eyes starts to water and I hug her a little tightly not knowing what to do. "I love you kiddo", she says after a while and I nod unable to return the sentiment back but knowing well that she knows how much I care about her. "Can you play that song I like dear, the one with the french girl singing", I softly chuckle and play it for her. La javanaise, it's our song.

"I worry for you Ali..", and I know exactly what she would say but before she says it I changed the topic.

"No more hiding Rita I promise, no more running away Ali girl" I say in my best mimic of her voice. She nods her head as if on thought.

"You'll have your Tony someday".

"I hope so, but there's plenty of time for that later", or maybe never. I'm quite cynical like that. "Who needs men, when I have you?", she chuckles.

"Mmhhmm, but when you do bring one in here, I'mma laugh at your face and tell you I told you so", I chuckled softly beside her holding her hands. But its my turn to look worried.

"I worry about you here being alone Rita, you should go somewhere, I have enough money I can pay for..."

"Damn right we're not talking about this again, I ain't never stepping in a Home for whatever. Ever. That's it."

Wishing she would just listen to me, I kept quite, we've had this conversation a million times and there's just no point. I lit a cigarette and walk a fair distance from her and released the smoke from my mouth. I know she doesn't like me smoking and I know it's pretty bad for my system... i don't even have a reason why I do it. I just do it, like for no reason at all.

"How's it in the hotel lately?", she asks

"I love it there, oh! and I saw a dollar last time I was cleaning the bedrooms", she scrunches her nose at the mention of me taking money. "Well, it was crumpled! and the room looked like hell I don't even want to know how many condoms I've pulled out from that room, I think i deserve that dollar", she laughs an amused one.

"I thought that hotel was luxurious".

"It is! but God those rich bastards. The shit they do to spend money", I tell her in a condescending tone.

"You might have been one of them you know", she says in wonder.

I blow my last smoke and threw the cigarette away. "Nah..", I don't even have a comeback for that. I scratch the scar on the back of my neck uncomfortably. The only reminder of who I really am. The little girl found bleeding to death in an alley.

"I'm sorry sweetcakes, I'm sure that whoever they are they all lo-", I don't let her finish.

"It's okay, you know.. I'm fine without knowing them". I tell her softly and inhaled deeply "I was fine 17 years ago, I'll be fine now", I touch her head and kissed her softly in the cheeks. "I'm turning in early for the night now Rita", I whisper.

But before I turn she grabs my hand and squeezes it and I squeeze back.

"We're those guys who had made grapejuice instead of lemonades when life had given us lemons". I laugh and she grins.

Damn right.

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