Remember that you can't help it

Finding closure

How can you tell when to give up?

I was trained from a child never to quit.

But I feel like there is a difference when it comes to quitting and giving up.

To quit is to be lazy, you never gave it a chance you never worked hard enough it was just easier to quit then to keep trying because clearly you weren't really invested in the first place.

To give up on the other hand breaks my heart I didn't get to this stage easily, to give up means I have tried my absolute hardest, I have used every trick to keep something going and its not working anymore, I am officially out of moves and as heart breaking as it is and as badly as I want it, its healthier for me to give up. I'm exhausted.

For me to absolutely, undoubtably give up on someone means that, that person has already given up or quitted on me, which was a hard truth for me to get to but now I'm here and trying to figure out how to accept it and move forward.

I have began to question my actions, break them all down in hopes to find a reason why the person quit on me and I think thats what hurts most of all.

I can't find closure.

It starts so slowly, gradual like the ticking of time on a clock thats about to run out.

I didn't realize until I was sitting alone having a smoke reflecting on the past month, a normal month, average nothing bad had happened nothing good, there was no reason to be upset at all I had no reason. However I can't control my feelings and I was upset, I am a happy person always have been since little.

I never get angry I hardly ever fight with anyone, Im a pleaser I'm laid back I let people get away with a lot more than they deserve but I don't mind.

regardless of all of that I was still sitting alone in the dark storm clouds hovering over me, wanting to burst with rain... unhappy.

The past week when my mom or some friends asked why im annoyed, or whats wrong I was confused I never understood what they were seeing, i didn't think I was upset I mean I had no reason to be, but I always gave some lame reason, "I'm on my period" "just stress" "ahh I was behind the worst driver ever"

I truly believed those explanations.

But sitting there smoking searching my brain it all became clear, I missed her, I really really missed her.

The "her" if you're wondering is/was I'm not sure what tense to use which hurts but she was/is my best friend.

just to be clear she is alive, perfectly healthy, living her best life, it just seems lately that I don't fit into it anymore.

I lie its not lately I have been trying to figure out when it started like I said it starts slowly, gradual like the ticking of time on a clock thats about to run out.

We started only seeing each other twice a week, then it was once a week, then I never saw her unless we were going on some weird mission for her mom, then she started doing that alone, and I adapted I didn't even realize at all because we were speaking constantly on WhatsApp, everything crazy dreams, gossip, what she was eating, anything and everything. But then her replies got shorter, then less often

And now I'm sitting smoking again staring at that same blue tick thats been haunting me for the past few days wondering when was the last time we actually chilled, or actually had a proper conversation. I wanted to know whats happening in her life, what happened to the guy she was speaking to a while ago is she happy, does she wonder how I'm doing? Does she care as to what is happening in my life?

I knew this girl like the back of my hand, I knew when she was lying, I knew when she was upset, I knew which buttons to push if I wanted to piss her off. But I was blind I never noticed her pulling away until she was gone. I should have, we have all done it to people, I have... I met some new people at varsity and realized they weren't for me and started to do the same I even complained when they kept bothering me complaining to my best friend "how haven't they gotten the hint".

I am them now I never got any of the hints I was blind, maybe if I did I could have changed something or asked her why. Its too Late now.

What really bothers me is I can't figure out why, like if I had gotten with the guy she likes or told all her secrets, then I would understand I would deserve this, maybe I do deserve this and I'm blinded as to what I did wrong which means I have been hurting her for ages and had no idea and she couldn't tell me. But what truly scares me is what if we have just grown apart, that wasn't supposed to happen it was us against the world and I have fallen behind.

Don't pity me I don't need your pity I want your anger, I want you to be angry like I am, angry at her for leaving me behind, if she was truly my best friend it wouldn't be like this it wouldn't be me putting in all the effort, always messaging her first always making sure I have a plus one for her incase she wants to come, always inviting her to chill. I have never been offered the same so I'm angry I shouldn't be. I am though.

I decided I'm not messaging her I'm not making plans again, I'm acting out the cliche and setting her free and seeing if she comes back to me.

i'm moving on which I thought was wrong because if she was truly my best friend I should be fighting right? fighting for her right? if she is that important i should be working on the friendship it does take work and I should work harder. I do feel guilty sometimes for giving up but I know in my heart I didn't quit on her I gave up I had to put myself first. I'm honestly a really happy kid but I haven't been for the past month and I can't keep going crazy like this.

i'm supposed to move on right? Keep doing me have fun meet up with other friends and I do and I have fun and I will survive at the end of the day I'm surrounded by many who love me and I them but no matter how much fun I am having there always comes a moment in the night something will happen and I think if she was here she would love this and I wish she was here having fun with me. To let go of that feeling and stop that from popping into my head, stop feeling like I'm missing a part of me without her seems to be the most challenging of all.

However I know if she doesn't come back to me then eventually that feeling that yearning will disappear, it will officially be the end of an era, of my greatest friendship, my first and only best friend, my human diary. It will become a ghost that haunts me once in a while when our song comes on, or when someone unknowingly mentions something that relates to an inside joke we used to have. There will always be little things that will remind me of her and our friendship and this haunts me, it appears at the back of my mind silently and as i remember, my stomach drops almost as a moment of silence for what we used to have, then I'm forced to put one foot in front of another and move forward as much as I would rather turn around and run back to her I can't I just have to have faith our paths cross again eventually.