Thinking out loud.

Memories

I am in love.

In love with my memories, that is.

With summer ending just a few weeks ago, it is so easy to reminisce about the amazing time I've had over the last two months. This summer has been the best time of my life and I wish I could just live in my memories forever.

It's so funny that we'd rather live in amazing memories of the past than explore the future, not understanding that it probably holds better things for us.

It's strange but true. My future seems hectic and scary at the moment, a place where my heart is left hanging to the mercy of a guy. So it's not that surprising that I'd rather go back and savour the happy memories that I collected over summer rather than face a pretty uncertain future. (You didn't think that I went so nostalgic thinking about a sleepover or family trip, did you? I'm a teenage girl, more often than not, it has got to be about a boy.)

Let me recap my summer for you. The summer that has left me starry-eyed and very much infatuated with this boy.

I met him at a summer camp, where we both worked. He's older than me by a few years and ridiculously hot (apparently no one's ever told him that, so he was shocked when I told him this). The second I saw him, my very first thought was 'damn he's hot but screw this, you're never going to have a chance with him, so don't even think about it'. Little did I know how my summer was going to end up. No, I'm not dating him but there is something between us, or rather, there was.

Over the next few weeks of camp we got talking and despite his bad boy type appearance, he was actually really great to talk to. We got along amazingly - better than any guy I had ever gotten along with. Then around week 4 of camp, he asked me out on a date for the first time. While my outer reaction was calm and collected, internally I was hyperventilating and freaking out. I laughed off his question but he was actually seriously asking me. I lied and said that my parents wouldn't let me; all the while my insecurities were eating away at me. I wondered if he was just fooling around with me, especially when he could get better looking girls that were closer to his age. I always wondered why he'd go through all this trouble for a younger girl. He dropped the topic and we moved on.

Then started the constant flirting. I, being my usual awkward self, responded to his flirting weirdly. I didn't know how I was expected to react, much less respond back. But he continued flirting, consistently too. And then two weeks later, he asked me out again. This time I was better prepared and I accepted, of course. We eventually did go out and I had a wonderful time. It was one of my favourite memories of this summer.

The next few weeks at camp, we were like a couple but without the label. I didn't really mind because I wasn't sure what would happen to us after the end of summer. I didn't let myself hope too much. But eventually, like a typical teenage girl, I fell for his promises and charming words. I began hoping that we could be more, that we would remain something even after summer ended. That, I think, was my biggest mistake. I forgot that reality existed; that we both had horribly contrasting lives outside camp, outside summer.

And just like that, 8 weeks of camp ended, reality began and my heart broke. I have no idea how or why it happened but we grew apart after camp ended.We are still growing apart. Yes, I still talk to him. No, he hasn't resorted to completely ignoring my existence. He isn't that much much of an a-hole, not yet anyways. But all our cute conversations are gone; all the constant teasing, the 'kissy' smileys, the indirect statements saying he misses me are all gone. I can't begin to understand why it's become this way and trust me I've thought about this a lot. I'm a girl - we analyse each and everything a guy does towards us - but I can't figure out for the life of me where we went wrong, or what changed.

And this is why I'm in love with my memories. When I think back to my memories, I see a different him, the version of him which made me feel special, made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My memories take me back to a better time, the better days that I spent with him. It takes me back to all this cute gestures, the flirty conversations and everything that attracted me to him.

When I compare my memories to my future, how I can not prefer my past over my future? Why won't I want to relive my memories?

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Let me know what you guys think about this.

Also, check out the song Stupid Love by Jason Derulo. It's a beautiful song, Jason Derulo style. Ironically, 'the guy' played this song to me while he was flirting with me, it was the first time I'd heard it.