Thinking out loud.

Heartbroken

I hate this. I hate how needy and clingy I've become. I can't seem to let go of him, no matter how much holding on hurts. After the last time (different guy, a few years ago) I swore I wouldn't let myself become this way. I swore I'd learn from my mistakes but obviously that isn't the case. I still ended up being this lovesick idiot who pines for what she can't have.

It is killing me.

I don't even know how to make it stop. I can't stop my mind from wandering away to him, to the things he used to say, to the way he used to touch me. It drives me crazy that I'm not going to have that with him anymore. My heart aches because I'm never going to be that way with him anymore. And the worst part is that I don't even know why. I could say that we simply lost touch, but I'd be bullshitting. I don't know why we fell apart. He 'claims' that he's incredibly busy and he'd like to date me but it's not possible for him at the moment. But I'm smarter than that. I know that he's feeding me bullshit lines. Even though I want to believe him, I'm not THAT stupid. That's why it hurts even more. I can see through the crap that he's giving me but despite that I can't bring myself to detest him. I just wish that he'd tell me that he doesn't like me anymore or that he was just playing me or that he hooked up with someone else, or just anything. I just wish he'd tell me the truth. I'd get over him faster, and without hoping for a different ending.

Closure. That's what I need from him. That's what I can't get. It frustrates me beyond belief because I am not able to let him go. Every memory, every conversation we've ever had haunts me. The way he teased me, the way he held my hand, the way he looked at me. It hurts me to even think about it. But because I am such a mess, I keep thinking about it because at that time, these simple gestures made me feel like I was floating. Like I was falling in love. It's like I'm a glutton for punishment. Thinking about him hurts me so much but I can't stop because they are some of the best memories I have. What am I going to do? I want to make it stop but I don't want it to stop. Do you see my dilemma?

And I feel unbelievably pathetic - like one of those clingy ex-girlfriends who doesn't know when to let go. I feel this way because I can't bring myself to hate him. After the pain subsided a little, there was a little rage for a while. It dissipated pretty quickly. Now I just want all that time back. Honestly, I don't regret a single moment I spent with him. Not one freaking second. I can't bring myself to. He did make me really happy, even if he broke my heart, even if he might have been playing me. But he did make me happy. I can only remember all the nice things he did for me and all the good things about him. God knows that he is messed up and has a million issues but I could see the real guy beyond all of that. I sort of fell for that guy.

I just miss him. I want to relive that time with him. I'm saying (or rather writing) it out loud. I don't even care that I sound pathetic and needy. I don't care that someone somewhere might laugh while reading this. But I miss him. And I wouldn't change my time with him for anything in the world. Even if he was the one to break my heart.