Thinking out loud.

Giving up

Right now, I just want to give up.

There is just too much going on in my life right now for me to even attempt to sort out the mess that are my feelings. So it's just easier for me to ignore them. But the trouble is I don't know how.

It is incredibly frustrating when you know what you want but force yourself to walk away. But I'm don't think I'm strong enough to walk away. Believe me, I've tried so damn hard but like the weakling I am, I continue to crawl back and torture myself with memories of a better time. I don't know how to break away from this vicious cycle - I pretend like I'm okay , I remember something about him, I get upset about how things turned out, I pretend to be okay with it and we're back to square 1.

When I'm busy, it's fine. Memories don't haunt me when I have things on my mind. But the second I have a little time to breathe, BOOM, they're back with a vengeance. Every little thing reminds me of him (please refer to 'Memories' if you don't know who I'm talking about). It's crazy really! Everything reminds me of the stupid conversations I've had with him, or the ridiculous things we debated about. It breaks my heart every single time because I don't know if we're ever going to go back to that, to that comforting, easy chemistry.

So I'm just tired. I'm tired of wishing that things were different. I'm tired of hoping that things would change, that he would change. If only I could just give up, just stop trying, I would. You won't believe how badly I want to stop wishing that things will change and just forget that I ever gave a part heart to him and trusted him. But it's not that easy because a bigger part of me believes that change is possible. There is still a ray of hope inside me that still hopes that if it's happened once, it'll happen again. I still want to hope that we'll go back to being the way we were, the way my memories made me feel. The worst part of all this is that I have some of the most amazing memories with him. It kills me every time I think about them. It crushes me that I don't have anything but those memories anymore. It kills me to think that the person who gave me all those memories is the cause of my heartache.

So for now, I need to step back. Despite everything I want to believe, despite how badly I want things to be different, the fact is that it isn't. I can't continue to torture myself by hoping that it could change. I'm only hurting my self by reminiscing about what used to be. So right now I need to do just one thing: practice immense self control. I have to try my hardest to forget my summer, to forget him and focus on my future, no matter how much it hurts me.

For now, I just need to learn to give up.