Thinking out loud.

Weakling

I feel incredibly pathetic. So much so that I have an intense urge to crawl out of my skin. I want to physically leave my body. Or at the very least remove the part of my brain which controls all my feelings.

What is it about love, or lust or infatuation, or whatever else you want to call it, that makes us so weak? What is it makes makes us throw all rational decisions out the window and do things, that we very well know, are incredibly stupid? It's absolutely pathetic how weak I've become, all because I like a guy. God! I disgust myself.

It's crazy how our minds try and twist every situation into the best possible light? Oh, he hasn't called you - maybe he's just really busy today. He hasn't asked you how you've been - maybe he's dealing with some stuff. It's pathetic how much we bullshit ourselves and make excuses for the lack of trying on his part. Face it! HE DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE!

It hurts. There's no doubt about it. It will continue to hurt. For how long? God only know. But it's for me to hold on to every inch of my heart and sanity and wait for the pain to end. Because when it does, I know that I'm going to feel better. I will be stronger. I'll be able to look back at this 'experience' and not have my heart shatter into a billion pieces.

But until then........screw him! I hope he gets what he deserves for playing me and breaking my heart the way he did. I wish he'd just jump off a cliff and disappear. I wish that everything didn't remind me of him and that my heart didn't ache at the thought of him. I wish that every memory didn't crush me and that I could simply erase him from my life.

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On a different note, I seriously thought I was getting over him. The last few weeks have been ups and downs when it comes to my heart. But I really felt like I was on the road to improvement. I thought of him less often. It didn't hurt as much. I even became indifferent, or maybe I was just numb to my feelings. Either ways, I was better off. Some days were bad, where I'd cry and cry and wish I knew what went wrong. But for the most part, I was doing comparatively okay.

Turns out I'm not over him, not really. A friend of mine mentioned to me that she ran into him at her university. I took that news pretty well, considering. Then, she tells me that he was with a girl the whole time and BOOM! My world came crashing down.

Now some of you guys may think that I'm overreacting. But honestly, it baffles me how someone could behave the way he did with me and then just forget about it. Just like that. I don't how he could say all those things and be the way he was and then let it go, like I didn't matter anymore. It hurts to think that he was just playing me. It breaks my heart to think that he never really cared. And honestly, I don't even want to think that because a bigger part of me still hopes that he still really cared about me, even if it was for a brief moment.

So basically, I'm back to square one now - feeling sorry about the state of my love life, crying over my broken heart and wishing that something would change.

Having a crush/ falling in love sucks. While you're falling, it's all roses and rainbows. It's possibly one of the best feelings in the world. But once you've crashed with no one to catch you, it hurts. It's hurts so much. I admire people who put themselves through this ever so often. Either they're incredibly strong to incredibly stupid.