As Long As I Have You

~ Chapter Forty Four ~

It wasn't much later that Kirsten returned home and slammed the door of her apartment closed as if the devil himself were breathing down her neck. She sagged against the barrier long enough to catch her breath, then whirled around and secured both locks, almost as if she could hear cloven, brimstone-weathered feet trailing after her.

For weeks she had convinced herself that her relationship with Evan could remain a simple arrangement, that somehow they could enjoy each other's company and each other's bodies without the complication of forming attachments to one another.

Like a fool she lost herself in carnal pleasure and ignored the way her arrogant, handsome, presumptuous, and tender husband pulled at her heartstrings and acted as her lover, her defender, and her friend. He soothed her in the darkness and lured her out of her night terrors, made her laugh with his quick wit, and intrigued her with his shared passion for art and unwavering dedication towards protecting both of their families.

It was no wonder she loved him.

The thought came out of nowhere and shocked her so thoroughly that she threw her hands across her mouth and stifled the giggle that tried to escape her lips.

She loved Evan?

How could such a thing be possible when she hardly knew the man? It was an argument her heart and mind had waged for days on end, for weeks and even months it seemed. And each time she felt her heart warm in his presence or ache at his absence the rational part of her mind dismissed the notion. It didn't matter the tenderness he showed her or the way her breath faltered when he entered the room. Logically speaking she couldn't allow herself to grow attached to a man who had no intention of seeing himself attached to anyone.

Her heart railed at the paltry assertion and found enough courage in her accidental self-declaration to ask, When is love ever logical?

Thinking back to her stepmother's kitchen queries over their relationship and her father's letter from the beyond, she knew both of her parents would also align themselves in defence of the heart. Heaven help her, her father was so certain her and Evan had a future that he had staked his endangered company on the hunch.

If only she hadn't let Cynthia's romantic observations rattle her and send her to check on Evan and John. John's accusations still rang in her head, but even now she couldn't say why she didn't walk away from their obviously private conversation. Instead she froze by the nearly closed door like an eavesdropping child while John boldly asked Evan how he felt about her over and over again. She stood there listening to him hedge his answers, and each response became a heavier and heavier weight she felt herself crumbling beneath. If John had pushed any harder and he said 'no' she knew the words would have ripped her heart from her chest.

But if he said 'yes'...

Rather than have the courage to hear him out she ran into the master bedroom across the hall, grabbed her things and tore into the main room with escape the only thing on her mind. When Cynthia tried to pull her heavily pregnant form out of her chair and coax an explanation from her Kirsten did the only thing she knew how to do to protect herself. She ran.

Unfortunately, running only heightened the problem, something her panic-stricken mind was never able to realize until long after it was too late. And just to reinforce how she inadvertently escalated the situation she now had to contend with Evan's text messages as well.

Cynthia said you left here in a hurry – if something's wrong call me.

I'm expecting you for dinner tonight. Seven o'clock. No exceptions. We have to talk.

Dinner? Talking? That meant once again trying to find a way to face her cowardice. And now she also had to do so with the knowledge that she loved him.

If she didn't make an appearance tonight Evan would undoubtedly track her down, stare straight into her very soul with those damnable too-blue eyes of his, and lure her into saying the one thing she could hardly admit to herself.

She had no other choice but to go to him.

Heaven help her, why did things always have to be so complicated with the man? Why couldn't he have just married her and kept his distance the way he promised he would?

There were a million other questions she could ask, but at the end of it all only one truly mattered. Did Evan love her? Cynthia was positive he did, John had his own suspicions, and even her stepmother and brother suspected there was more going on between them than an unorthodox business arrangement.

The problem was that even if everyone were right it still didn't mean love would be enough. It didn't mean Evan would forgive the damning secrets of her past or let his guard down long enough to bring her fully into his own confidence. Each of their pasts could simply be too much to overcome and ultimately destroy any hope they had for the future.

Whatever the answer was, going to him was the only way she would ever find out.

____________________

Dusk was just beginning to take hold on the evening sky when she climbed out of an Uber, a paper bag filled with their favourite dim sum, and a box containing her father's favourite Scotch. The trip through the lobby and up the elevator to the penthouse suite seemed to take only seconds to complete, yet she was sure she rehearsed what she would say a dozen times since sending the car on its way.

She had words of regret mingled in with those of gratitude, and words of explanation about Jason's abuses and the role she played in his violent death peppered in with words of remorse for her hypocritical behaviour over secrets kept guarded for too long. Most importantly she had words of love, and she desperately prayed they would be enough to be returned in kind.

The elevator quietly chimed her arrival, and without leaving room for hesitation she walked purposefully to Evan's front door, and hopefully to his open heart. The door was ajar, much like his office had been earlier today, and she pushed the uneasy sense of déjà vu aside, determined not to let her imagination or her nerves get the best of her.

The faint sound of a woman's voice could be heard just beyond the door and she paused, suddenly unsure if she should proceed. She hadn't considered that Cynthia and John would still be here this late in the day, not when she assumed Evan had summoned her for a private conversation.

Before any more doubts could assail her though, she pushed the door open to greet everyone and her eyes widened at the bizarre scene playing out before her. A petite, golden-skinned woman with luxurious blonde hair stood with her back to the door, and the slightly too-tailored cut of her designer outfit combined with her small stature made her identity unmistakable. She was engulfed in Evan's embrace, and his hands rested on the tiny swell of her hips the same way they often rested on her own; his too-blue eyes were locked on the woman with an intensity she thought reserved only for her.

Neither of them noticed her, and she found herself frozen in time watching them.

If the first words she thought Cynthia had spoken were muffled behind the heavy fire door, then these new words clearly belonged to Victoria Chambers and rang loud and clear in Kirsten's ears, so much so that she thought she would hear them ring over and over for the rest of her life.

"I know I messed things up last time, my darling. But after seeing you last weekend I knew we should be together."

"Is that so?"

"Mmhmm. You know Christopher never really meant anything to me, my love. And that whole mess with the baby..."

More was said, but Kirsten couldn't believe the statement enough to even comprehend it. She would never recall if she let go of the parcels clutched in her arms or if she threw them aside in haste, but she didn't care.

All she knew was that she had to protect herself. She had to get away.