Side By Side

18.

I went home. A party was no place for a sobbing girl, except from what I had heard, there was a least four girls in the bathroom crying. Nonetheless I grabbed my jacket from the closet and slipped out the back door. Lissa's house was on the other side of town, but the other side of town was only a twenty minute walk— and when you're sprinting away from a party containing everything that makes you anxious, it's a pretty quick run.

It was late into the night, past the curfew the town had put into place but no one followed. My surroundings were shrouded in a thick layer of mist that even made the street lamps dim. It wasn't long until the mist soaked me entirely, and my hair hung limply around my face, water dripping from my skirt. The moist air rushed in through thick breaths.

I knew I couldn't keep the secret forever, secrets are always found out eventually, but I figured I could have at least kept it under wraps for more than a month. I wasn't ready to let go of the safety blanket of lies I had made for my self. My body still stung from grief and winded me around every corner. My parents would've known what to do. They always knew, and god— I was going to miss them forever. I was going to hurt forever.

"Nancy?" I called breathlessly after gently closing the door of the house, "Nancy, please?"

With shaking hands, I pulled my phone from my pocket. My fingers were stiff from the cold and teary eyes clouded my vision, still, I managed to text Lissa to tell her I had gone home and not to worry. I tacked on the last part not even sure if it were true as my own breathing started to feel as if it were suffocating me.

Shivering, I stiffly climbed the stairs, having to catch my breath after each step from my increased breathing. I felt like my long damp hair was suffocating me. I wanted to gather and pull it out until I could breathe again. My knuckles turned white from gripping the railing so tightly. I stood in place on one of the stairs. My feet tingled. My head pounded. Everything around me looked warped, like I was looking through a thick fish-eye-lens. Breathing was hard, like someone was constantly punching me in the gut to wind me.

Up the stairs. I needed to get up the remaining stairs and away from the door. It felt so far. Too far. with every step I became less and less confident that I could make it up without falling, so I crawled. On hands and knees, I dragged myself tirelessly up the stairs, my chest and throat getting tighter and tighter, my strangled breathing louder and louder. After I was at the top I flopped onto my back and shut my eyes tightly.

Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe, the word repeated in my head until it barley had meaning anymore, I wasn't even sure I could say it aloud without mispronouncing it. It did some good, because eventually I laid on the ground, breathless and tired, but breathing.

On the count of three I willed my self to sit up. Another count of three, then stand. The house was empty, and a little too warm. With still skating hands, I opened the text Lissa had sent fifteen minutes prior. Had it been fifteen minutes? I had no concept of how long it took me to climb the stairs, nor how long I was lying on the ground.

Dude! Shoulda told us, we would've gone with you.

I replied. Have fun.

I sighed and tried to run my fingers through my tangled hair, they snagged on the way through. I stripped out of my soaked costume and chucked them in a pile with a slosh as they hit the hardwood. I had moved on from being too warm and was now horribly aware of the chill the damp clothes had caused me. The pyjamas I put on warmed me to my core and I felt drowsy as soon as my bed came into sight. The panic was dissolving and all that was left was exhaustion. My eyes clapped shut and didn't open again until I heard a knock on my door.

"Hey lissa, I kinda want to be alone for a little bit," I said automatically, my voice was rocky. I became conscious of the fact that my throat hurt a little from the short breaths.