Inside My Head: Online Diary

Depression's Victim

I was happy to be with him.. but do I still love him ever after it all was over? I don't know if I do or not.. maybe I do but I just tend to ignore it or I don't because we just haven't been as close as we were before.. does he even think about me? Most likely not..

Though he said the sweet things that made me feel better about myself, I just can't seem to believe them.. He never lied to me so that's the reason as to why I trust and believe his statements... but it feels extremely strange when thinking about it..

"You're literally the most attractive person I know."

Yet, I see that as an.. exaggeration. For sure that isn't true.

We're still friends and I still care about him.. but I think I have small jealousy problems..

It's strange.. even before I liked him and see him with other girls, I still felt a little jealous or a bit of envy.. Maybe because I was so close to him as a friend that I cared about who he was with. Or maybe it was just me wanting to be that person to make him happy..

Even though we're through and I apparently set my feelings for him aside, I still feel a bit jealous when talking about other girls.. And I get extremely upset that I do so. It's his life, his choices, his interests. Why would I take all of this stuff personally?

I just.. hope he's happier. He's a great person and like I've said before, "if anyone started dating you, they're just extremely lucky to have you as a boyfriend."

I just care about that happiness.

But, why do I feel like he lied? Why do I think about his words?

Everything he had said to me and how he has thought of me just turn into dust, as if it actually didn't have any meaning or truth to them.

"You're attractive," like hell yeah I am.. I don't see that and I must not be blind because it's not like I get compliments or whatever.

"You tend to care about me," well... I can see that.. it's been how many weeks and I'm still thinking about this?

"And I love you for that," sure.

I should really stop there.. For sure it's just my lack of self esteem using him as a way to get to me about who I am. I'm nothing special. Just a 15 year old obese girl that looks basic af and everyone thinks she is just weird and a lesbian.

No wonder no one thinks about me.