March 24, 2019: Mom: that phrase is older than the hills.
Fiona: is that older than your mom?
Mom: that was 40 lbs of shade.
Mom: *talking about tomatoes* If it is a raccoon, will you eat it?
Liam: Brian works miracles working with kids.
Mom: That's why I said he'd make a great pediatric oncologist, but he doesn't want to possibly cause a death.
Brian nods
Mom: So instead he'll get to see dead kids.
Brian: I'm fine with that!
Mom: Brian can you not tuba into the carpet.
March 22, 2019: Brian: Come on, mom. Why aren't you a druggie?
Mom: Enough! No Trump at the table!!
Mom: Don't start speaking Utah!
Brian: Is there melanin in poop?
Do white people poop lighter?
Mom: Stop licking your knees
Dmitri: Did you have your wishing teeth removed?
March 13, 2019: Me: I don't have to go to mom's house if I'm in jail.
Going to jail is better than going to mom's house.
Mom: Stop tapping your wooden chest
Mom: After all I pay for you to live and breath, are you really going to begrudge me Boardwalk?
June 3, 2010: (From mom) Our quote of the evening comes from Antigone's verbal abuse of the elders. They were visiting for dinner, and (as is tradition) were requested to boulder across our rock climbing wall in the basement. From upstairs, I could hear Antigone shouting: "Come on! Climb it, Elder! Even the 3-year-old can do it! You want us to call you a 'Sister'???"
June 4, 2010: (From mom) I teach them to read, take them to the library, sign them up for the summer reading program, help them find books they like, read with them and read to them, take them BACK to the library to collect their rewards, take them to the zoo with a friend, then out to lunch AND for ice cream (reading prizes) and WHAT did they say over dinner??? "Next year, we should take Daddy with us so I can share my ice cream with him."
June 5, 2011: (From mom) Dmitri is learning the Alphabet. I hear him singing "A-B-D-D-A-S-G!!!"
June 7, 2018: (From a family friend)
My kids ask the hard-hitting questions like, "Mom, is cereal just breakfast soup?"
June 20, 2010: Antigone: When was Fathers Day started?
Liam: Like, a hundred million years ago, back when Adam and Eve were alive. Or when dinosaurs were invented
July 1, 2010: (From mom)Either Erik contracted a rapid-onset flesh-eating disease, or Big Brother Dmitri dumped 2 pounds of sand into his diaper at the playground.
(From mom) Dmitri's favorite book: Beowulf. He's telling everyone "Baywuff rip off Grennel arm! And, and, then he cuck (cut) off him HEAD!!!"
(From mom) Erik is learning new words. His favorite new word is "esophagus", and he knows what it is, but he seldom says it right. This morning, his food has gone down both his "umbilicus" and his "asparagus". <3 I love that boy.
July 3, 2013: (From mom) Fiona is playing Peekaboo with herself.
[hands over her eyes] "Where is this?"
[takes them off] "Peck-oo-goo!"
July 18, 2010: (From mom) didn't even get out of the driveway today without Brian bleeding. Apparently, he had the audacity to suggest that Antigone wanted to get buckled up first, so obviously he HAD to be socked in the face. *sigh* Yeah...
July 23, 2012: (From mom) "Dr." Antigone Dodge, stuffed animal surgeon extraordinaire, has an appointment sign-up on her door for fixing your stuff-and-fluff friends.
August 6, 2015: (From mom) New rule in effect*: DO NOT CRAWL INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S BED IF YOU ARE WET.
*"New rule" means "something that mother now sees a need to declare officially that is so obvious that it should never have had to be said."
I'm changing my sheets, Fiona is banished, and she is currently singing "Seize the Day" at the top of her lungs in the bathtub.
August 9, 2018: (From a friend)
Me: how do you want your hair done?
Genevieve: medium well.
August 9, 2011: Mom: No, Dmitri, having a belly button does NOT mean you are turning into a heffalump.
December 21, 2009: (From mom) Liam gave Dmitri his old watch. Now he's shutting his brothers up in their room telling them, "Night night, guys. Get up in an HOUR." Fortunately, his "hours" only last about 3 minutes.
February 1, 2010: (From mom) Last night, Lashi tried a joke out on the kids. "Hey guys. Did you hear about the farmer who's having trouble? No matter how far apart he plants the eggs, he can't get any chickens to grow." The boys laughed. Antigone, totally serious, responds, "I bet he's not watering them enough."
March 10, 2019: Mom: How did you pee on your head?
February 22, 2019: Mom: You pooped on my floor then you shooshed me?
January 29, 2019: *Brain and mom talking about loud cars*
Fiona speaking of muffins-
Mom: who was speaking of muffins??
Fiona: speaking of muffins-
Mom: who was speaking of muffins?!
Fiona: speaking of muffins, miss Lofey read us Little Red Riding Hood
Everyone else: ?????????
January 28, 2019: Mom: There's no bunny, that's a windmill
October 7, 2018: Mom: If you yeet at me again, I'll make you eat powdered milk
February 10, 2018: Fiona: I did not mean use to use the fork on the hairbrush.
May 25, 2013: Dmitri (Age 6): "I knew someone ate spaghetti! I could smell it on Fiona's feet."
May 24, 2011: It's like Dmitri (Age 4) has never seen a thunderstorm before. "I need to save those poor poor chickens!" "We need ballellas (umbrellas) for the funnerstorm!" He's just buzzing all over the house. Oh, now he's turned into Funnderguy, a new superhero.
While collecting pine cones from the front lawn, Dmitri (Age 4) informed me that the pine cones have to go in the bucket because they are all being naughty because they pooped their pants. /sigh. Well, that does mean he's listening... somewhat.
YOU ARE READING
Live A Humorous Life
HumorLife is hilarious if you know where to look. This is a collection of funny things my siblings and I have said, funny stories and more.
