Letters To Myself.

Extract from my online diary.

9 March 2015 at 8:37 pm
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As I write the final word, of my well detailed note I sigh in relief feeling better after pouring my heart out. However that did not calm my racing heart nor the thoughts running rampant through my head. Was I really going to do this?

Anxiety in the streets, depression in the sheets- probably the most cliché quote I've come across but so fucking true. Each passing day was more of a curse than a blessing to me. So toiled by the opinions of others, I often ended up forgetting my own. Claustrophobic would be a subtle way of describing my current state. I desperately needed a permanent escape, I needed to be set free. I reached my breaking point, where I was ready to go to any extent, even if that included taking my own life.

However when it came to actually slitting my wrists, I froze. Being the weak hearted person that I was, I couldn't bring myself to do something as painful and gruesome as that to myself. After various failed attempts, I gave in to my weak heart and decided to give life another try, another chance. Little did I know that this weakness of mine, would make me realise what a fool I was to almost give in to those nightmares.

Now few months later, my life has reached a drastic turning point where I can finally see light at the the end of the tunnel. The more forward I leaped, the more I realised that my past experiences did not pull me down, but instead made to strong enough to climb on my own and overcome hurdles.

What changed my outlook was to simply switch the limelight of my thoughts from the negative to the positive. 'Every cloud has a silver lining' was one quote which I had heard, but never given a second thought. That was until now.

Today, I am truly grateful for my weakness. If it wasn't for my weak heart, I would probably be six feet under, and I would never understand the beauty of life . I finally see life in all its beauty and splendour and I've learnt to love myself for who I am.

So D**, a note from your past self to you. Life is beautiful and worth it. It's not a bad life, it's just a bad day. You may say you want to die but in reality, you just want to be saved. So don't give up, and don't lose hope. The best is yet to come.