Dear Diary

31 march 2019

daily event 101, please don't kecam or expose me :)
🌼🌼🌼

Hey, they fought again. Mama and gma. It was 12:30. Gma baru ajak I makan 5 minutes earlier. I baru nak keluar bilik makan. Then suddenly they were quarrelling. Aku baru nak makan, dah pergi dapur dah nak amek pinggan. Tapi dengan dia orang yelling at the table. Selera aku hilang. Kebelakangan ni memang selera aku selalu hilang. ngl. Aku tak selalu makan dekat rumah. Sebab environment tu takde. Aku lonely. Rasa nak makan aku selalu terbantut. Tapi tak kurus-kurus jugak hahaha. Aku tahu mama dengan gma marah kalau aku tak makan. Tapi nak buat macam mana. Takkan nak paksa diri. Aku tak mampu nak dengan dia orang gaduh macam ni. Dua-dua berkeinginan nak keluar dari rumah. Ayah lagi atas kapal tak balik-balik. Honestly aku penat. Bukan sekali benda ni jadi. Dah bertahun. Everytime aku cerita dekat kawan, ayat dorang sama je. Tak baik la cakap camtu, tu parents kau. or , atleast kau ada mama ayah lagi. Weh, bukan aku tak bersyukur. Yes, I still get to wear clothes, alhamdulillah. Yes, I still have my parents, alhamdulillah. Yes, there is still food in the fridge, alhamdulillah. But why, kenapa bila aku nak balik rumah, hati aku rasa berat. It's suffocating. Kenapa I'm so happy at school when I'm surrounded by my friends but my behaviour changes when I'm at home. Honestly, I don't know myself. Maybe korang tengok aku loaded, I'm supposed to be happy. I have everything. The truth is I don't. I have no one to talk to. Kalau aku cakap dengan mama, mama buat acuh tak acuh. Ayah takde dekat rumah. I don't have siblings. I don't like to bother my friends with my problems lagi-lagi about family. They wouldn't understand. Aku tengok cara family dia orang pun aku dah tahu.
People think yang aku ni sombong, heartless, anak derhaka. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry I turned out this way. I'm sorry the way I reacted to situations are wrong. Tak aku tak sepatutnya memberontak when my parents took my phone every night by 8. Aku tak sepatutnya pendam setiap kali mama ayah marah and proceed to disiplin me by hitting me. Lebam biru luka is nothing to me anymore. It's too normalized. Now everytime it happens again. Aku jadi baran. Aku panas baran sampai I can destroy things. Setakat pecahkan rosakkan barang tu apalah sangat. Pernah try bukak a locked door pakai pisau? Haha. I'm so sorry if perception kau towards aku, berubah. I might not be the friend you wanted. Aku tak layak. Aku terlalu derhaka.
Truth is, I do cry. I cry silently in my room with my blinds closed. Door closed. While hugging my pillow. Honestly I do. Everytime. Then I akan go to the mirror. Pegang tepi tepi and tell myself with tears running down my eyes. You're strong. Kau kan kuat. Apa nangis-nangis ni. Alololo. While smiling and laughing sampai rasa pathetic tu dah kurang. Aku tak kuat. Trust me I'm not. Semua kawan aku ada siblings. Kalau tak pun, family dia penyayang. Kalau teruk sangat pun, dia ada bf/gf yang always support dia. Aku? you might ask. None. Keluarga macam ni. Siblings takde. My bf semua tinggalkan I. Yes aku tahu I'm supposed to doa dekat Allah. But that's not enough. Don't fight me. Lumrah kemanusiaan. It needs to be balanced. I need someone here in the world too. Sorang pun jadilah. Ada je orang care. Tapi it's either they don't care enough or dia tu bf orang. Don't worry aku tahu limit aku, aku tak kacau relationship orang no matter how close I was to them before. I think aku nak nangis lagi sambil pasang lagu jiwang. Plus aku rasa nak demam. Geraklu pape comment.