Dear Diary

1 march 2019

literally the day it started to fuck up. truthfully.. it was kinda a normal day I thought as I roamed through the school halls. What else could go wrong?

Wrong. Frankly, everything did.

I like writing in my notebook, especially about feelings. I used to be in a hostel. Easy to say that I've started to scribbled things in my books just like they did. Especially letters about emotions and feelings. Emotions is one thing that you can't and can control at the same time. It's not easy. Nothing is. But you can control it, or can you?

So this is about my emotions, I can't control mine at times either. There are times where I realised my worth. But there are also times where I fuck it up by exposing mine. I'm not good at controlling feelings. Since I was small, I kept my feelings in the dark because I was afraid. What if I let it out? What would happen? Would I hurt someone? So yes, I write it down in books. Today, I'm writing to you about what happened today.

I started my day by hoping to have a great day. Little did I know, it'll be my last. As I woke up, I checked my phone with hope that someone replied my messages. Yes he did!! and oh boy only god knows how happy I felt. I felt as if someone gave me a first aid kit. I was bubbling with excitement and happiness. I jolted out of bed and went straight to the toilet to start the day.

It's Friday. Which means it's school day. I needed to get to school. ASAP. Since my significant other is still sleeping peacefully. I decided to not spam him and just start my school days by reading last night's messages. I can't verbally explain how much I miss him. But I kept the thought that I could talk to him after school. With a wide smile, I chatted with my friends happily. It wasn't such a good day since it was tiring as fuck. Since I am having my monthly examination next week. This week surely is tiring.

But oh boy, it's time to go home!! I can't wait to talk to him. I've been thinking about him all day long!! I'll write back later, this bus ride is giving me headaches.

Hey.. I am aware that you told me  to not miss you much? But I still will. I won't show it since you're so uncomfortable with it. Hey baby, I really like writing things about you. This is just one of it hehe. If you don't like it, or if it's too much. It's okay. It's just me. You don't need to read what I write anyway. I'm a hopeless romantic person after all. I talk a lot. I'm too clingy. I'm too possesive. I get jealous a lot. Mainly, it may be because I'm not that matured yet. Well I am younger than you. Maybe as time flies by I would understand what you're feeling. Now, maybe not yet. I'm sorry if I ask too much. Relationships aren't that new to me. But I've never really felt this way from the others. I don't feel the same vibe with them like you and I did. We're different sayang. Dumb but romantic. Lol, this sounds cringy, but we are cringy. When I told you, I love you, I really do, with all my heart. God damn baby I really, really, really like you. All this time I felt as if I don't deserve you. Why me? What makes me so special that You fell in love with Me?!. You're this amazing, smart, matured, calm, thoughtful, reasonable, soft spoken and caring person I've ever met. I'm literally this living potato.

I get jealous a little too easily sometimes, perks of being a possesive person I guess. I understand it's hard for you. My clingyness does mess with your head sometimes. I really dislike my traits because I know I am annoying you with all this. But fuck it baby, I love you. Okay Fine, I won't miss you so much. I can do this! I won't expect anything from you. You're so special baby. This one amazing star in the sky. Aquarius ain't it? Yes, hehe I literally checked your horoscope to know you more. Is that too creepy? You've done creepy things to me too. Yeah, honestly, I do get offended at times. Like when you're online and you can't even bother replying. I get it, you're a busy man. But if you have time to be online and to skip through stories and all that. Why can't you even reply a simple hi. If you really care and think of people's feelings. You would reply. You won't leave others waiting. I don't like to remind you to do things. I really don't want to. If you really care, you wouldn't even need to be reminded.

Why am I scared? No, I don't want to compare you with my exes. You said it yourself, this exes shit got to go. But based on my past experiences. Everytime I let someone be, they tend to drift away from me, so no. I do not want to risk losing you no matter what it takes. I'm so so scared, that I feel like crying HAHAHA. I'm possesive but no, I'm not that jealous when you're out with your girl friends. Unless your attention to me lackens. I wouldn't even judge. You told me, you fall in love with people easily. Too easily. So if, when you are out with them, and you fall in love. There's nothing I can do to change your mind anyway. I'm scared of your actions. Like what you do. Yourself. No one can change your mind when you are up to something.  Your mindst dah memang macam tu, nak buat macam mana.

I know sometimes I do something wrong. I fuck up. I'm not applying that I'm always right. That's why I try to make you happy every single day. I can't risk losing you. I wan to spoil you so badly that you won't find it in anyone else. I know sometimes our ego wins the game. But it's okay, I still have you don't I. Even when the world is crumbling down, even when others turn their backs on me. I would still have you. You promised. Ego? There's this malay quote I found. Ego is like a potato. Steam it for a while, you'll make it soft. That's why I try so hard to make you smile. If you're not online for quite a while, I will look for you. I want to remind you each and every day that I care. I want to remind you that you are wanted. I want to remind you that you are special. If life is a movie, then baby you're the best part. You'll always be the best part. No words could describe my love for you. and that's a lot. Let me be your cloud sayang. I want to be there for you. I want to be the one who listens to your problems. You're such a good listener to everyone that haven't you realise you need one too. I want to be the one that ask's "How was your day?". Let me be that person sayang. Let me be that one chat that makes your face lights up. Because I do. I get butterflies everytime. That one smile that automaticaly muncul when your chat pops up.

You are so damn special to me that no one can top that. I find others boring now. As always, if you have found the best. You won't look at someone else. No matter how hard they try. It's okay if I don't get to see you once a week. Hearing your voice before I sleep. It's hard but it's better than nothing. Baby, guess what. You're my bad habit. I always try to stay up late just to wait for you. Besides, everytime you write me a paragraph or voice something, or even send me cute emojis. I wake up with this smile and this mood for the whole day. I felt recharged af. I'm so happy. That's why I do the same thing to you. I want you to feel the exact same thing. Hehe. We're soulmates aite baby? okay thats it. This is too tiring. I have loads of studies to do. You're my motivation and I'm doing this for you!

🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

Hey, this didn't end well. Lost my hopes and dreams. But it's fine tho. I'll be okay. kan?