Dear Diary

1 april 2019

Hey peeps, I don't really have much to say about today. Im actually very busy rn. Assignment aku banyak weh seminggu cuti baru nak buat harini. Lmao kill me. Ajshskdhs anyways here's todays tea!
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  As I was busy typing on the keyboard. There was a notification from my phone. Curious, I watched the messages from my phone screen without feeling like answering. But I knew I would feel bad so yeah, I unlocked my phone and scrolled the messages coming in to see id there was anything important. (As you see my phone is usually very silent because I have no one to talk to, but eventually kalau orang chat pun I won't be answering so .. hehe). So seeing as there is nothing important enough to even bother to answer rn, I decided to scroll whatsapp status. Yelah manatau ex ada post apa apa kan. HAHAHA. Then one peculiar person interested me. She posted a screenshot of a chat with this one girl. I kenal la that girl yang dia post tu. Nama dia S.

   Through that screenshot I found out yang dia ni 19. The exact same age as one of my exes!. The thing is  my latest ex ni. Okay I bagi dia nama Z. Yes I belum story pasal dia, nantilah bila dah tak sendu I story hehe. Z is also 19 this year. Belajar kat Uitm I suppose. Z kenal tau S ni. Ada je number, ig semua. Borak semua pernah. Imagine, as I was reading the screenshots, I macam tiba-tiba stricked by this feeling yang ada possibility Z ni dengan S tau. Sebab well, they know each other. Shah Alam dengan Cheras tak jauh. Z ni ada kereta. Z pulak jenis boleh start crush kalau dah meet ni. That was how he crush kat I lagipun. Risau. Honestly, obviously I belum move on. I miss him so so much ya Allah. Nak menangis everytime I fikir about him. Ada back story ni.

   The point is, instinct perempuan ni usually kuat tau. I pernah ada instinct pasal bestf I dengan ex I, R tu kan. Kan betul dia orang together. Apatah lagi Z ni. Eh lelaki memang cepat move on eh ? I dah few months pun tak move on lagi HAHAHA. Im sure you understand how I feel like. How the fuck does one move on so damn fast. Kalau kau dah memang tak sayang tu aku faham la. But yang dah janji bulan la, bintang la, forever la, soul connection la HAHAH bullshit. Kau jugak yang move on dulu. Kau jugak yang fine gila babi aih. Babe, I am still stalking you sampai sekarang tau. I really miss you. Your laugh, your talk, the way you look at me, your smell, cara you gelak sambil pandang jalan raya, the way you pegang sebelah tangan I sambil drive. God siapa je taknak mengaku laki dia hot. HOT gila wehhhhh drive pastu sweet camtu. Dahla cute gila dia ni. Sabar self sabar. Tu ex dia tak pandang kau dah. AJSHKDH fml.

Yes perempuan ni usually dia lagi psycho dari lelaki sebab dia emotional, but usually psycho dia tak melebihi batas macam dalam cerita (Gf dari neraka) tu. Lelaki punya psycho tu yang aku seram sebab psycho dia lain macam. Sanggup pancitkan tayar ugut. Sanggup tumpahkan sos bagai. Oh god you crazy mfs. CHILL. Aku psycho ni bersebab. Aku nak dia tahu yang aku bukan jenis terima je semua apa yang dia cakap. Ada at time when I say no, it means no. Like dia nak break, aku automatic macam. No I taknak. Tapi tak function HAHAHAHA kita orang break jugak lmao. Aku bukan apa, do you know that feeling yang orang punya feelings dekat kau is slowly fading away. Macam no matter what you do, nothing can make them stay. Dia orang dah confirm lock decision tu. Kau keluarkanlah effort macam mana pun dia takkan pandang kau. Sakit weh. Honestly, sakit gila. It's so suffocating. It's like someone hempap and pit a lot of pressure on your heart sambil letak dalam freezer. Satu badan sejuk. I would never understand the way to make people stay. Sebab selama ni apa yang I buat semua tak jadi. Semua orang tinggalkan I.

  Don't tell me I haven't done enough. You want clingy, I give you clingy.
You nak attention, I 24/7 online. I tak jenis merajuk lama sebab I rasa benda tu buang masa. Imagine kau merajuk harini, esok break takkan ada peluang nak spend time dah. Tu sikit la, would you be satisfied with the way your conversation end if esok tu dia meninggal. Would you? I won't. So paling lama I merajuk is like a few minutes. Kalau orang tu tak layan I, okay I tidur je la. Takde marah ke maki. If I really love you, kalau boleh I nak make sure every second is spent well. I've regretted before, I taknak regret again.
You nak perempuan yang keluar duit jugak? Makan wayang semua kita share duit. I bayar jugak, I taknak you belanja I. I feel bad, we need to balance things like this.
Nak unexpected things without being told to? I buat suprise birthday untuk you. You tak sangka pun. Only god knows how happy I felt when you look suprised and happy at the same time lepastu you kata "Thankyou sayang, I love you". Nak pecah jantung je rasa. We had so much fun every second we spent together and it was always never enough. 14hours felt like 20 minutes je haih.
Nak someone funny? I make a lot of puns and jokes and give you banyak teka-teki because it was so satisfying to watch your face light up and laughed out loud sambil gosok kepala I. I miss those head pats anyway.
You suka someone yang show you off? Babe, I show you off almost everyday kot. I nak dorang tahu yang your mine, look at this diamond I found. So precious.Ye do sayang, you precious gila babi. Taste lagu sama, style sama. Tinggi cukup cukup je untuk I. Kurus grr. You tanya about my playlist sebab nak dengar lagu yang I minat. Found out lagu kita sama and yeah  the midnight car rides sambil menyanyi was fun!. How you switch the radio channel bila I masuk kereta also warms my heart as small things matter. Siapa kata susah nak make perempuan happy? seriously, dia bukakkan pintu kereta untuk aku pun aku dah cair. Tak susah, jadi gentleman je.
Nak someone yang bernyanyi? I sang a few songs and dedicated it to you kan. My voice ain't that bad. The thought is what that matters, ya allah. I remembered the time kita video call and you asked me to sing a few songs that you picked. Nak menangis sebab I terharu gila tengok you tersengih happy, face light up gila sebab you suka. Even tho time tu you we're surrounded by your friends, you still video call I for hours. Goddamn, I remembered your cute face blushing sebab you balas I love you I depan kawan you. (Currently crying while typing this HAHAHA). We we're so perfect. I lost you. Damn, this hurts. Tell me I am not enough, tell me to my face yang I'm not enough.

This is why, I nak tahu sangat. Why do you leave someone sometimes. I need reasons, I need facts. Everytime I tanya ex I. Jawapan dia orang mesti "You're enough, You're worth it". Tapi kenapa tinggal. I sorang kot. Family tak kisah sangat. Friends are there but their not enough. You promised to stay but you left too. Why. I tanya kan, nak I ubah apa apa ke. I will. Trust me I can change for you. I am willing to change. My personality today is based on what people want me to be. I lost myself trying to please people, now I lost you.

Fun fact: first time Z ni jumpa I, dia jumpa I dekat concert masdo/hujan. Dengan one of our friends, Y. Start dari situ dia minat kat I. He wore a blue kemeja. Cute <3!. The last time we met was at my house, guess what, baju yang dia pakai sama sebiji yang dia pakai time first time jumpa I. I didn't realize that was a sign. That, time tu will be the last time we met. Takde rezeki kan. If you read this baby, I miss you. I tak regret satu pun yang happened. Kecuali that night. The night things fucked up. Lain semua okay. You'r a great person. Soft spoken, gentleman, thoughtful, funny, cute, shy. Semua perfect untuk I. Sorry la kalau I fall for someone, memang I fall hard.
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Enough for today, I have loads of kerja untuk siapkan. Kalau ada thoughts about "how do someone move on so fast" tu, comment okay!! ❤️❤️