Insightful Fear (Phan)

Mundane

"Phil!"

The sound of my name sounded from downstairs. I rolled my eyes and stood from where I'd been sitting on my bed, reading.

I trudged down the hall and down the short staircase.

"What do you want, Peej?" I asked loudly, a twinge of annoyance laced my voice.

I found him in the kitchen.

"When were you going to tell me we're out of milk?" Pj said exasperatedly.

I rolled my eyes.

"I was going to go out and get some later," I replied, my voice a bit harsh.

"It still would've been nice to know," he said, closing the door of the fridge and turning to me.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I snapped.

Pj's eyes widened.

"Who pissed in your tea?"

My shoulders sagged suddenly. I sat in one of the stools in front of the counter and put my head in my hands.

"Sorry," I said again, my voice softer this time. Tired.

He came to sit beside me.

"What's going on, Phil?" He asked.

"I didn't get much sleep last night," I explained quietly.

Pj waited for more words.

"Melanie."

That one word, one name, said everything.

My girlfriend. I had to convince myself that I loved her. Despite the fact that she couldn't spend more than a day apart. Even though she never wanted to anything but fuck.

"What happened?"

"We got into a fight. She called me at midnight, asking if she could come over." I said.

Pj scoffed.

"You just saw her two days ago." He exclaimed.

I nodded and said, "I told her no and she yelled at me. I was up until two arguing with her. She threatened to break up with me, so I told her she could come over after I get off work."

Pj shook his head.

"Why? You know what's going to happen." He said.

I nodded again and closed my eyes, sighing through my nose.

"Yeah, I know," I agreed. Every time.

I said no. She got mad. Threatened to end everything. And I gave her what she wanted, desperately trying to get her to calm down.

"But I love her," I said.

He clicked his tongue and stood. He made his way out of the kitchen.

"You sound like your trying to convince yourself, not me," he said as he started walking away.

I sighed again. Loud and heavy.

"Don't forget the milk," he said over his shoulder.

Pj knew me better than I knew myself. We'd been best friends since high school. And in the five years since we'd graduated, we'd been living together in this flat.

I let out a heavy sigh.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and picked a contact from the list.

It rang thrice before the other line clicked and a chirping voice sounded on the other end.

"Hello?"

"Hey," I said, willing cheerfulness into my voice.

"Babe!" The woman chipped.

"Look," I began. "I'm sorry for arguing with you last night. I was just tired and stressed about work."

"Do you still love me?" Melanie asks, whining slightly.

"Of course!" I said. I didn't know whether I was telling the truth or not. "Of course I still love you!"

I hesitated for a moment before adding, "Do you want to come over?"

Fifteen minutes later, I was leading Melanie through the front door and into the living room.

"I was thinking we could watch a movie or something," I suggested.

But Melanie shook her head.

He pressed her lips to mine. Hungry. Needy. Her hands tugged at strands of my ebony hair.

We never just watched a movie. We could never just be.

But I shoved those thoughts away as her tongue slid forcefully into my mouth.

She pressed me against the wall.

My hands explored her waist as I kissed down her jaw and to her neck. She angled her head to give me better access.

I let myself release my grip on the world around me. I lost myself in a moment I wanted to end. I'm a place I didn't want to be in.

Melanie tugged me up the stairs, and I followed her.

And when we were done, lying in my bed next to each other, she turned to me.

"I love you," she said.

I couldn't bring myself to respond.

The next morning, I woke up to an empty bed.

Melanie was gone, her side of the bed cold.

I flopped back down and gazed up at the ceiling.

"What the hell am I doing?" I asked out loud, speaking to no one in particular.

I got no answer.

I knew I would see her again in a few days and repeat the whole process.

It wasn't that the sex was bad. Because it wasn't. But I wanted more. I wanted more from our relationship.

I want to be with someone I could hold onto and cuddle. Someone I could snuggle up on the couch with and watch movies for hours.

And Melanie wasn't that person, that much was clear.

I ran a hand through my ruffled hair.

I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. I found my jeans and shirt, discarded on the other side of the room.

I needed a shower.

And so I took one. The water was steaming, hot enough to wash away my problems.

And so began another long day.