Insightful Fear (Phan)

A Walk To Nowhere

Dan

I went to the roof, as I did most nights.

The sky was a deep, almost black shade of blue. Stars watched over the world from their place in the universe. Their place far from the chaos of this world.

I envied them.

My feet dangled over the edge of the brick building. Just an inch forward and any normal person would be plummeting to their death.

I laid back and stared up at the massive expanse above me.

I had never imagined that I would see it. Never imagined that I would go to sleep in an actual bed.

Never thought I'd be surrounded by color.

It had gotten to a point where I'd wanted to paint my skin white. Because looking at my arms and legs and the color on my skin had made me want to rip my own eyes out with my bare fingers.

I heaved a sigh.

Up here, reality stopped. Everything stopped existing. Nothing in this harsh world could reach me up here. I was safe from the long spindly fingers of having powers in a generic world.

Phil was no more.

Dr. Liesten was no more.

The facility.

My abilities.

All of it.

No more.

The cool night air filled my brittle lungs. The weight that had found a place in my chest eased. Just a little. But just enough.

I went back down to the flat about an hour later.

Phil was back in bed.

As soon as I crept back in my room and closed the door behind me, everything came slamming back into me at full force.

Phil.

Dr. Liesten.

The facility.

My abilities.

It all slammed into my chest in one massive impact. It knocked the breath from my lungs.

I sank to the floor, back still pressed against the door.

I sobbed until the deep, almost black shade of blue bled into watercolors. Into birds with clipped wings.

Into white.

I stood from my spot by the door.

My legs felt stiff. My head throbbed, a dull ache behind my skull. My eyes felt heavy. As if someone was pulling my eye lids shut.

I hadn't slept all night.

I opened the door and made my way down the hall.

I found Pj and Phil in the kitchen, talking in hushed voices.

I knew I looked like death. But when I beheld the expression in their eyes, I wanted to shrivel up right there.

I wanted to stop existing.

"Hey, Dan," Phil greeted me. His words were soft and slow. As if I was a toddler learning to speak for the first time.

"Good morning," Pj said.

I gave them both a curt nod. Because I couldn't even bring myself to fake a smile today.

"I'm going on a walk," Phil announced. "Do you want to come with me?"

I hesitated.

Going outside would not be a good idea. Now that I knew for sure the facility was sniffing around the city, it could be dangerous for both of us.

But I couldn't bring myself to say no. The word was hanging off the tip of my tongue, but my lips wouldn't let it get past. Wouldn't let it be spoken.

"Sure." I heard myself say.

Phil beamed. And suddenly none of the impending dangers mattered. His smile wiped all of that clean.

That was everything I needed. Everything I wanted.

Fuck.

Phil finished his breakfast. And after him struggling with his contacts for fifteen minutes, we left.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

Phil shrugged.

"I don't know. I just wanted to get out, y'know?" He said.

I understood more than he realized.

But I didn't respond.

So we walked. With no particular destination in mind. Despite the frigid air, the sun shone through the clouds, basking everything in a warm glow.

I tried to let myself enjoy time with Phil. To enjoy time in a world I never thought I'd see.

But there was a looming shadow hanging over my shoulders. I couldn't help it when I checked over my shoulder every few minutes.

Searching for men in white clothes.

"Are you doing any better?" Phil asked suddenly.

I couldn't bring myself to lie to him.

So I shook my head.

"No."

"I'm sorry," he said. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

If only.

I just shook my head again.

Phil was silent after that.

We ended up going into Starbucks.

He paid for the drinks, despite me saying he didn't have to. We sat in the same table as last time.

I put my hands around my cup, savoring the warmth.

"Look, Phil. I'm sorry I keep to myself a lot."

"You don't have to be sorry," he told me. "I just wish I knew what was going on."

I sighed.

"I can't tell you a lot," I said. He raised an eyebrow. "What I will tell you is that there's a lot you don't know about me."

Phil nodded.

"I figured as much."

"Telling you too much could put you in serious danger," I said.

His eyes widened as he realized the true severity of the situation. As the weight of my words settled in.

"I wish I could tell you, Phil. I really do. But I can't."

He nodded.

"I get it," he said. "Thank you for being honest."

I didn't hear the last words that came out of his mouth.

Because two men in white clothes strode into the small cafe. They walked to the counter and began speaking with the barista.

"Phil. It's time to go."