Remembering Shauqina

Chapter 15: Cat and Mouse

CHAPTER 15: Cat and Mouse

 Things seemed to change between me and Zak since that day at Mdm Bedah’s office. I was more aware of my feelings – my REAL feelings, for Zak, and I wasn’t proud of it. In fact, the feelings left me guilt-stricken and confused. It is no fun playing a cat and mouse game. But I can’t help it. There were too many unanswered questions, too much ego at stake, too many emotions to hold. Every time I see him now, something tugs at my heartstring, and you feel kind of breathless, while at the same time, warm and sweet. It was confusing and frustrating too. Being in THIS madrasah also did not help either. There were boundaries that must be respected. Boundaries which I WILL respect. So, between yearning and longing to share a lot of things with him, I chose ABSTAINING. I think he chose that pathway too.

Whenever he passed me, he would like surreptitiously looked at me (yes, I noticed!) and when I looked in his direction, he would look down and walk past. Whenever I happened to see him, I would smile to myself and when he started to notice that someone was looking, I would look down and walk past. It was annoying. Once, I passed his class and he hastily put on his songkok when he saw me. Similarly, there were many occasions when I thought he was making a move to come to me and I would disappear very quickly, avoiding his pathway. Then, I would be scanning the school building, my eyes resting at the places where he would do his duty as a Student Leader, at the canteen, to his favourite bench with his friends, at the assembly ground, where he would tower among his friends. Some days felt like they pass by in slow motion and keep rewinding the scene, again and again. It was strange too. Two kids who seemed to want to share a lot with each other, but would run away, frightened and scared. We were like two similar poles of the magnet. We, well, just repelled.

 Then, he totally 'disappeared' from his places of duty, replaced by other Student Leaders supposedly under his charge. Was he running away from me? What did I do so wrong that he had to like avoid me like the plague?

 It was so hurting, so bewildering. I tried to smile when I passed by his charges, wondering where he was all the time, not knowing what was happening to him. Yes, all I needed to do was to ask, to open my mouth. But I couldn't. My sense of honour was too strong; the need to uphold my name was too overwhelming... I was lost in the turmoil of my own inner conflict, my self-inflicted pain and confusion.

 I was kind of feeling down that day. Well, what's new? Oblivious to my friends' chatter around me, I was jolted into reality when Zafirah started nudging me repeatedly and with such urgency that I turned to give her a piece of my muddled mind when my eyes caught the 'terror' in hers and I followed the direction. I understood why. Zak, in the most unlikely gait of him, was marching towards our bench, looking quite angry – No. He WAS angry. I have never seen him with that expression before. He stood right in front of me, a little undecided, and my friends actually hurriedly emptied the bench, leaving me alone to face this tall, angry guy. He sat on the bench, his hands clasped in front of him on the table. He looked away for a moment, and then looked straight into my eyes. This was not the first time we were alone on that bench but there was such angry vibes from him that I cowered. Yes. Cowered. He maintained his gaze. I looked down and managed to say softly.

 " It is not proper for you to look at me...like that..."

 However, he was like a clockwork machine on a rampage. He fired straight on.

 'Why have you been avoiding me?"

 "Huh?!!  Ermm...'

 "I thought we were friends!"

 "I....I..."

 “Why do you always run away when I am near?"

 God! Was it that obvious! I must have gone beet-root red out of sheer embarrassment.

 "Have I done something wrong?" He continued relentlessly. Did he prepare all these questions like a decade ago?!!!

 "I...I...'

 'Yes?"

 He sounded so bossy that I was suddenly incensed. I looked him back squarely in the eyes. Both eyes met and both did not flinch. Ustazah's Ruby stern face suddenly flashed in front of me, admonishing me and I quickly looked down.

 "Yes?"

 "You were the one who was avoiding me! You were not even at your duty places!" I hissed, accusingly.

 He looked down, not able to answer. It was my turn to be on the war path.

 "There was so much I wanted to tell you! You were nowhere to be seen! We're not even in the same class! There was so much I wanted to share! What do you want me to do? Go to your class and asked for you? Find you in the canteen just to smile at you? Write letters to you? Would you have answered my letters? And...Rahima.." I blurted out, a little softly, a little unsurely.

 'WHAT?" he suddenly stood up to his full height. Still standing, he looked down into my face.

 "Is that what's this hiding and running away is all about?"

 "Well, not exactly. But..I...I...didn't want to come between you and her." I relented, giving up.

 Luckily, he laughed. A sudden, relief kind of laughter that was short, but infectious. I wanted to laugh too but managed only a shy smile. He sat down again.

 "Eza...I am sorry. Yes...yes, I was - hiding away from you... I - wanted to clear my thoughts, be sure - be really sure - Rahima is just a friend. A classmate. That's all."

 "I don't understand..."

 "All these years...can't you guess?"

 "Guess? What...?"

 Now he looked sheepish. He was back to his old Zak again. The Zak I knew and had grown endeared to. His face became livid again. He hid his hands under the table now.

 "You silly girl...if only I can say what I feel, without making it less pure, less honest....I ...I want what is in here (and he clenched his fist close to his heart) to be blessed by Allah...."

 I know my eyes went really big and wide and I must have grown paler than the pale yellow tudung of my school uniform. There was a silence between us which was not so uncomfortable... In fact, the silence seemed to envelope us like in a cocoon. It felt quiet, safe and comforting. Zak spoke first.

 "I ...don't know what is going to happen in the future - only God knows...but, I hope and pray that whatever it is, you will still be a part of that future...do you understand? "

 I managed a small nod, and I did not realize but my eyes were tearing and as I looked up, he saw a tear fell and he looked down, smiling and growing livid again.

 "Don't do that...you look so much like... a girl...”

 " But I am... a girl…”

 “...Yes...thank God for that!!!"

 We would have I think, sat at that historical bench till the cows go home if not for Ustaz Izhak, who was walking purposefully towards us. I signaled panicky to Zak out of the corner of my eyes and managed to mouthed 'Ustaz lzhak', of which he shot up with such speed that I would have burst out laughing if not for Ustaz's most stern countenance coming in at '5,4,3,2,1 .. .touch down.

 "Zakaria Zainuddinl"

 "Assalamualaikum, Ustaz!" Zak dutifully kissed Ustaz's hand, but Ustaz was not pacified.

 "Didn't you hear the azan?"

 "Yes!! I did!"

 "So?!!”

 "I am going ustaz...am going...NOW...."

 And when Ustaz Izhak turned to give me a piece of his mind too, there was only an empty bench for it took me only one second to scoot off to the musolla, my hockey feet again never failing me.