Remembering Shauqina

Chapter 24: In-limbo

CHAPTER 24 : In-Limbo

The days that went by after Zak left was inconclusive and I passed through them feeling a heavy weight in my chest. I wasn't seeing, nor hearing, nor thinking, nor feeling clearly all the time. I was merely existing. About a few weeks after his funeral, Zainal came to meet me, again outside my classroom. Again, he was not looking at me and asked quietly,

"Can I see you afterschool, today? Under the cotton tree?"

I merely nodded. There was nothing to look forward to and I was having a gnawing headache and my heart felt so heavy, it hurts even to breathe.

Zainal was already at the cotton tree when I came. Without much ado, he opened up a note and continued.

“When we visited him at the hospital, he asked why you did not come. I had no answers. He wasn't angry - he was just asking.Then, he asked for pen and paper and wrote this. It was important for him that you know something...here, take this. He wanted you to have this after his operation. I did not think the time was right – until now. I don't know the content.”

Still unfeeling, still void, I opened up the note. It was in his familiar small, handwriting but a little bit wobbly. I read, hearing again his soft, musical voice in my head...

-          Eza. Whatever happens to me after the operation, only Allah knows. I want you to know that you are the best thing that has happened in my life. You are always the person I wanted to see first thing in the morning and the last I want to talk to before I sleep at night. Your anger calms me, your shyness makes me braver and your smiles make me see life worth fighting ... You are always in my prayers. I have never loved anyone as I loved you, if this feeling can be called that. And if I may be bold enough..I know you feel the same way..I know...In so many different ways - in your anger, in your smiles, in your frowns..I know. Whatever it is, know that if I do not make it after this operation, please move on. Please live. Remember me in your prayers, if that is not too much to ask. Pray for me, dear Eza. May Allah forgive my sins and may we meet again. lnsyaAllah. -

And he ended his note with a smiling emoticon. God! His winsome smile suddenly flashed in front of me and I remembered the sun rays on his wavy locks and that was it. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. The floodgates opened and laying my head on that table, I cried furiously, thankfully, the tears falling and falling and never ending. I thought my heart would stop beating or comes out from me. The memories with Zak then passed in front of my eyes like a fast-forward movie. I had wanted to know, to ask him, to confirm. I realized too that I had never really had the chance to tell him how I really feel. That regret was the thing that was making me living lifelessly. Now I know for sure that he knew how I really felt for him and the truth freed me and pulled me up from that bottomless, dark void.

When the sobbing ebbed, I looked up. Zainal was still there. He came over, handed me a handkerchief and walked wordlessly away.

Epilogue - The present

The children clamoured at the door as soon as they recognized the purring of the engine as it pulled to a stop outside the double-storey terrace house. Zainal stepped briskly as he opened the door when five happy kids literally jumped on him. They were noisy, quarrelling, arguing, pulling at him, eager to share with him their day.

"Childrenl Let your father clean up first! Zakaria! Help me with the dishes!"

Zainat looked up at the sound of that name, smiled knowingly to himself and then looked at me. I went up to him and kissed his right hand.

"Akhi...' He held me warmly and safely, holding out his laptop bag for me to carry up.

And Zakaria, my only eldest and only son, ran up to me, looked up at me and started to roll up his sleeves to help me wash the dishes. Then he gave me his winsome smile and as the sunrays rested on his wavy locks, I remember again....

 (Author's Note: So sorry if the ending is depressing - I guess I wanted to exorcise the real Zak from my life that I had to kill the fictional one. It did not work - I still see Zak the real one once in while....So if it bothers you (as it did my students when I first shared this story) - maybe you would like to check out 'For the Rest of My life' for a happier version to Zak and Hafeza. For the moment, let us all let 'Remembering Shauqina' rest in peace, shall we? Thanks dearest all for reading this book - I am much touched. Have a blessed day!!!)

Tributes:

Thank you to S509 - you will always be a part of my life and thank you for making me once, a part of your life too.

Thank you to S510, my Form Class - for your patience when I went AWOL at a time you needed me most for English 'O' Level.

Thank you to S511 Boomz - you spurred me to share and gave me courage.

Thank you dearest heroinetragedy - I always look forward to your honest comments. You're a true sister. :)

Last and not least - to SSBMA1994 - you introduced me to Wattpad - and thus begins my knowing of all you wonderful writers out there - Keep writing k?