Eyes Closed | KTH

Part 2

I'm waiting at the subway to get to work, when my phone starts to ring. I pull it out of my pocket and see that it's Jin. 

"Hey," he says. I reply with a short "hi".

"So I'm on my way to work-"

"Me too. I'm almost there." I reply. Jin's always on my tail about getting to work early. As if on cue, a train whizzes past. Jin sighs. 

"Why do you insist on taking the train to work, when I can just happily pick you up?" I take in a deep breath. It pains me everyday to take the train, the place where I first met him, the moment that changed my life forever. But at the same time, I miss him so much that I feel like I need to be here to grasp onto anything I can that brings him back. 

I want so badly to bring him back, yet I still can't even bear the thought of his name. 

"I don't wanna bother you," I say, another sigh from the other end of the phone.

"Well, anyways, I'm picking up donuts for the others. You want some?" he asks.

"Yeah, sure," I say. Eating is the last thing I want to do right now, but I don't want to be rude. He's looking out for me, I shouldn't push him away. Especially at a time like right now, when we need each other.

We all need each other. 

I put my phone away and look up. I stare blankly across the other side of the tracks, waiting for my train to arrive. I put my hands in my jacket pocket to warm them up and tuck my chin into the collar of my hoodie. 

I find it so hard to find purpose these days, without him here. I could so easily step in front of a train and end it all right now. 

I pull myself out of my thoughts quickly. That would be selfish. And stupid.

But that's what he did. I shake my head, ridding myself of these awful thoughts. He had a dark past that he was constantly battling, one that no one could understand or help him get through, and that's why I can try to forgive him for what he did.

Another train whizzes past. I look at the various types of people in the cars, most of them a blur. 

There are lots of people wearing various colored hats, but one shocks me. 

It's a grey hat, with two strings on each side, each with a pompom. 

That's Taehyung's hat. I think to myself. I shake my head, throwing the thought away. I can't start thinking things like this. 

Taehyung is gone, and that's that. There's no changing the past. 

Although I tell myself it's not Taehyung, I can feel my heart start to beat faster. My heart lurches at the sudden possibility of him being here.

I'm going insane, I think to myself. I need to stop wishing for things that I can't have.

I rest my eyes on the moving train cars again, shrugging away all thoughts of him. 

In between the breaks in the moving cars, I see the hat again, except this time someone is wearing it. 

I suddenly feel nauseous. 

Before I can get a good look at him, another train car blocks my view. They keep whizzing by, and I try to get glimpses in between each train car. 

When the train is finished, the person is still standing there, and I can finally see who it is. 

Suddenly I wish I hadn't seen who was standing on the other end of the tracks.