The Shy Thug

The Unexplainable

They say when it's your time, it's just your time. Now, more than ever, I truly believed that. As I sat there on the floor, dazed and confused about what just happened, everything started coming back to me slowly. I remembered panicking about what I saw on my door and what people must think of me. I remembered feeling like I was about to throw up in the middle of the room. I remembered looking at the picture of my brothers that sat on my desk and bawling at the thought of never being able to see them again. I even remembered slipping my neck through the loop in the belt I tied; but how did I end up here?

I started to pick myself up off of the floor when I noticed that blood was leaking from just above my eyelid. I tried to get on my feet, but I was stumbling so much, I felt like I was drunk. I leaned up against my dresser and looked at the closet where I thought I ended it all and tried to figure out what the fuck happened.

"That shit didn't snap. So what happened," I thought to myself as I looked that belt that was still fully in tact. Out of nowhere, I couldn't control myself and started crying my eyes out again. I wasn't being emotional about failing a suicide attempt or even that I was still here—forced to face the music—but because I realized how stupid and selfish I was being. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I cried over and over again. Like a little boy in trouble for breaking something in the house, I was apologizing and pleading for forgiveness. In that instance, I wasn't pleading with my mother, father, God, or anyone else. I was apologizing to myself for being so stupid.

In that moment, a lightbulb went off and
I realized that if it were meant for me to die, then I would have been gone and not sitting on this floor. I wiped my eyes and cleaned my face before finally standing on my feet and gaining my balance. I grabbed a washcloth and headed to the bathroom to wash my face. As I stood in front of the mirror and looked over myself, I just shook my head. Looking at my reflection, I couldn't believe I'd let myself get so low. How stupid could I be to do something so drastic and selfish? I ran steaming hot water over my hands and the washcloth before soaping it up and taking it to my face.  Once I was done washing my face, I looked at the gash in my forehead and still couldn't understand how it got there.

I walked back to my room and looked around for traces of blood on the corners of my desk, the doorknob to the closet, and anything that could have caused it but I found nothing. My head was still leaking and band-aids weren't cutting it and I knew I needed to see a doctor. I went downstairs to the Student Director's office and asked where the infirmary was since I'd never seen it and on my way the office, I ran into Noah. "Yo, I know you weren't in here fighting again," Noah said looking at me sideways. I only hoped that were true right now but I couldn't tell him what really happened. "Not even man.  I do need to take care of this though," I said letting out a fake laugh.

Noah didn't seem to protest my half-assed explanation and followed me to the SD's office. "Ay Mr. Bolden, where is the infirmary," I said poking my head in his office. He moved his attention from the computer on his desk to the doorway and said, "Its over by the Tech and Sciences quad.  Its in the back. Everything ok? What happened to your head?" "Yeah I'm cool. I was nodding out at my desk doing homework and hit my head. I'm good," I said lying through my teeth. He didn't seem satisfied with my answer and slightly pressed me about it. "Uh huh. You sure young man? Is that what happened," he said taking his glasses off, placing them on the desk in front of him. "Yeah, man. Thanks," I said letting out a fake laugh to lighten the mood. To avoid anymore questions from Mr. Bolden, I headed away from his office and out to the infirmary.

Noah followed me over to the infirmary but whatever he was saying to me was going in one ear and out the other.  I was too caught up in my own thoughts at that moment.  It only took us about five minutes to get there since no other patients were around, I was able to be seen right away. "How did you do this to yourself hunny," the nurse asked as she cleaned up the gash. "Being clumsy. I opened the closet door and smacked myself in the face it with," I said putting on a front and fake laughing.  "You have to be careful hun.  So, you're definitely going to need stitches.  Let's me prep," she said turning to a cabinet and fumbling around.