If You

All Of You

The day of Jiyong's departure for Andong came much too suddenly and Emily found herself awake long before sunrise. Jiyong was standing by the window, silhouetted by the murky sky, and she could see he was chewing on his thumb as he stared out at the city. "Did you sleep at all?" she asked.

He started slightly and turned to look at her. "I don't need much sleep," he said, dropping his hand from his mouth, "but I'm sorry I woke you."

"You didn't," she said, sitting up carefully. She reached for her nausea pills on the nightstand and he frowned. "Maybe you shouldn't go today."

"I'm going," she insisted. She slipped a pill under her tongue and put the rest back as it dissolved in her mouth. "Staying here won't make it any easier."

Jiyong closed the curtains and switched on a lamp, casting the room in a faint warm glow. She searched his face carefully, but he was remarkably composed as he went to the closet where his uniform hung on the door. It had arrived several days prior and been meticulously pressed, while his boots had been buffed and were waiting in the closet. "I'll be able to visit," he said, as if she didn't know.

"Good."

"Mom and Dami will be nearby."

"Yes, I know."

Jiyong sighed. "Of course you do. We've gone over it a hundred times."

"We can go over it a hundred more times if it makes you feel better."

Jiyong shook his head and brushed some imaginary lint off the lapels of his uniform. "It's only two years."

A tear raced down Emily's cheeks and she immediately swept it away before he could notice. She didn't know how calm Jiyong really was, and she didn't want to upset him with her tears. We can both get through this, she thought, putting a hand to her stomach.

Jiyong turned around and frowned immediately. "Are you still feeling nauseous? Maybe I should go get some-"

"I'm fine, Jiyong," she interrupted. "I know it's still really early, but I think breakfast will help."

He nodded and she headed down to the kitchen, grateful for something to do. They had four hours before they had to leave for the airport, which felt both like too much and too little time. She pulled eggs and bacon out of the refrigerator and started frying them in a pan, letting the sizzling drown out her thoughts. After turning the eggs she put a bagel in the toaster and poured two glasses of juice from the carafe in the refrigerator, then plated the hot food and brought everything over to the table. She heard Jiyong come down the stairs and she finished setting everything down. "I wasn't sure if you wanted any coff-" she turned around and the words died in her throat. He stood by the island, dressed in full uniform and holding his cap in his hand. She couldn't allow herself to cry, no matter what, so she smiled instead. "You look handsome," she whispered.

Jiyong's chin trembled and she quickly crossed over to him. "Let me," she said, taking his cap and placing it carefully on his head. She did it so efficiently, like it was a mundane task that she did all the time, that his tears soon vanished and he was calm again. "It smells really good in here," he managed, nodding at the table.

"Do you want any coffee?"

He shook his head. "Juice is fine."

They sat at the table and ate quietly, eyes fixed either on their plates or out the window. The sky was slowly starting to lighten, revealing the outlines of buildings and trees that had been hidden in the darkness, and traffic began to increase as people started heading to work in cars and on bikes.

"Did you get everything you needed from upstairs?" Emily asked, breaking the silence.

Jiyong nodded. "Bag's by the door."