Shift

Dreams

"He just...left? Without any kind of explanation?" 

I nodded, hugging the pillow to my chest.  

"Oh, my gosh, Stacey. I am so sorry." 

I shook my head, clutching the pillow tighter.  

"It was my fault. I'm the one who went and fell for him." 

Jess pulled me in for a hug. I clutched her waist tightly, my face buried in her shoulder, and my breath hitched as I started to cry. 

"This is not your fault. You followed your heart. He's the asshole who went and left." 

His face had looked so haunted. I remembered his words: "I have to. You don't understand...I have to. I love you. Goodbye." 

Was he in trouble? Was something going on? Did he mean it when he told me he loved me? 

I shook my head and held her tighter. 

"Chris is gone,"I gasped, "And Erik hates me. I can't sleep at home because Isaac keeps me up all night. I'm so confused and tired and it hurts," I told her. 

She squeezed me tighter. "I know." 

I sniffled and let out a deep, body cleansing breath. Finally, I let go of her and sat up, wiping my eyes furiously. 

We laid back on the bed.  

"Well, on the bright side..." 

I glared at her from the corner of my eye. 

"We have two more weeks until Thanksgiving break?" 

I rolled my eyes and laughed for the first time since Chris left. "I hate you." 

She giggled. "Well, I love you." 

***

Jess returned to my side in Calc. Erik kept his seat in the back. People still whispered, but I just didn't care anymore. 

Now that I didn't have Chris, I was focusing everything I had into soccer and studying. I was maintaining a 4.0 and was a shoo-in for varsity, but I still had too much time on my hands. 

I laid in bed at midnight, tired, but my mind still raced. 

I closed my eyes and thought of the last time I saw Chris. 

"I have to. You don't understand...I have to. I love you. Goodbye." 

I pressed my palms into my eyes, trying not to think of him anymore.  

It was no use. 

I was hopeless. 

I missed him. 

I was confused. 

I wanted him here. 

I was pathetic. 

I loved him. 

I sighed and rolled over, trying to get comfortable. I pulled the sheet over my head and started counting. 

Somewhere around 820, I fell asleep. 

* 

"Stacey." 

I turned around, looking wildly for the source. 

My mother stood behind me in the forest, the sun glinting off of her long, golden, curly hair. Her eyes, so much like mine, crinkled at the corners as she smiled. 

"Mom!" I cried, throwing myself at her. 

I collided, hard, into her, and she hugged me tightly, burying her face in my hair.