Let me heal you, let me help you || Destiel Soulmates || High School AU ||

Chapter 1: The Pain

MENTION OF SELF-HARM AND ABUSE

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

He felt numb. He tried to feel something, anything, but to no avail. Eventually, he found himself back where it all started, and from the looks of it, where it all will end;

Suicide.

Or maybe it would end with a noose, or a bottle of pills, or jumping off the roof of one of the shitty motels, cheap, old and moldy apartment buildings, or the rare abandoned houses, they'll surely be staying in as soon as whatever case is over.

Of course, that currently wasn't what the oldest Winchester brother was doing.

He was cutting himself. It seemed that wherever the day may lead him, he always finds himself back at the edge of the blade (never a razor; it was his signature sort of style to do it with a blade and only a blade. Besides, blood on a blade is a lot easier to explain then blood in a razor, because no one uses razors to kill a monster.). Self-harm. Not enough to follow the infamous quote; "End it all", said or written by god-knows-who, but just enough to numb it, if not all, at the very least a little bit. See, the blood loss he endured while doing this self-deprecating, self-loathing, self-harm and self-whatever activity was only enough to hurt and numb, then come back around like a hangover, but instead of nausea, and/or dizziness, it was the cause of more pain in the end, once he regains his full self, or at least half of himself.

Now, let me state a fact as old as time: the Winchesters didn't have a home, never had one since Mary died.

Sonny's was a home though. At Sonny's he was beginning to feel happy; he had his first love, he was doing well in school, academically and physically, he was pulling himself together. But alas, this is Dean Winchester; the boy is the very definition of the phrase, "Nothing lasts forever". Well, not exactly. I lied; because while nothing good has ever lasted, the pain has lasted for as long as he could remember. Nonetheless, he still doesn't give up. He's close, he's at the edge, clinging on with mere fingertips, yet he still refuses to drop. And that, dear reader, that is what's admirable about the boy; he never gives up. He hasn't given up yet, he hasn't quit yet, but that doesn't mean he'll last forever. After all, he's only human. Only a mere teen, almost an adult, but still young and naive. There's only so much hurt a man can take...

John had come by, eventually, and picked him up, not bothering to take just half a second to consider 'No' an option. In those 2 months, Samuel had missed his big brother dearly, and John learned that as much as he hated his eldest, he needed him to protect his youngest, because Dean was a mistake, a useless regret; he was very much expendable, but Samuel was very much not. Samuel was to continue the family business and Dean's fate was to die at the hands of a monster. No identification for the police, no witnesses, nobody to attend his funeral, and nothing to remain of him. He'll just be forgotten, but Samuel would be remembered for generations of hunters to come.

He pulled one of his many sharp, shiny, and smooth blades out of an ingenious (he thinks its luck, not smarts, that he had found such a good spot) hiding spot; a hidden pocket inside his duffel. At first, the hiding place was risky and he was nervous and worried Sam would find it, but the kid proved to be oblivious to all emotions other people had and was blind when it came to seeing past his thundercloud of anger of moving and his wishes of having a normal life.

He then proceeded to lock himself in the bathroom again.

When they took motel rooms, all 3 of them shared 1 room. If it was 2 queens; John would obviously get the bed, Samuel would get the other bed, and Dean would either get the cold hard floor or the couch with the suspicious stains that he absolutely didn't dare to think of what they were or how they got there. If there weren't any rooms with queen beds available, only king sized, well, I'm sure you already know the answer, however, let's go over it anyway, shall we? John got the bed, Sam got the couch, and Dean either got the moldy stained carpet or the Impala's backseat. They never took two rooms. Ever. John would've never given Dean that much freedom in the first place. He always wanted to look for things wrong with what Dean would do or what he could've done wrong and scold and yell at him for that. He would get and act angry and frustrated with his eldest over nothing. John Winchester simply needed someone to blame, and since Samuel was too young and is the last thing John considers he have of Mary, he would never dare to do anything to him. All the times he's threatened Dean about Samuel, they were simply empty threats. Well, more or less. Would John Winchester actually hurt his 2nd child if his eldest was gone? Probably, yes. Accident, mishap, unfortunate series of events, call it what you will. But that doesn't change the fact that he would injure Sam, purposely or not, if Dean was gone. And that's why Dean takes all of the blows. What I just told you, is a basic summary of what our dearest Dean Winchester thinks. If he doesn't protect Samuel, John will simply beat Sam up. Its perfectly plausible.