Chasing Pavements

three

3
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𝚅𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚊

"Raise your head." As sweat streamed down my face, she gave the order.

My eye was swollen, and blood was dripping down my chin. I knew better than to disobey in my position. My mother would not be a paragon of virtue to her daughters. I turn my head to meet her ferocious stare. This is a look I've been familiar with for many years. My bruised knees slid down the rough cemented floor as I kicked at the back of my legs. When she bent down to look me in the eyes, I held my breath.

I was aware of the consequences. Yet, I ignored them. I wanted to relinquish in the freedom I felt when I was out. Without having to be constantly on the edge. Where the moon was lovely and the night was young. It was all worthwhile to have experienced a brief period of freedom. Nothing had ever escaped her notice; all of my actions were recorded and reported. Everything from combing my hair to my time on the stool was scrutinized.

"You'd think by now you'd have figured out your place in the world." Her voice was emotionless. "You belong there. On the floor. Beneath us all."

My lips twitched as I suppressed a grin from forming on my face. That was obvious to me. I've been told my place in the world my entire life. I am lower than even the poor; I am lower than everyone. And I knew that further enraging her would only result in a slew of new scars on my body.

I'd lived long enough to realize that no matter what I did, I'd never be able to secure her love and affection. Maybe when I was younger, I would creep and crawl all over the mansion to appease her. I'd become numb to it all. I hardly felt anything when she tormented me; when she nearly drowned me; when she torched all the mother's day letters I'd given her when I got home from school; when she denied affection and left me to be found and returned to her by the police as I played alone in the playground's sandbox. I'd been through it all and had become numb to it all. And I've never understood why I cried until now. I cried for the love I could've had; for the mother she could've been; for the white-fenced family I could've had; and for the fact that I couldn't resent her even if I wanted to.

"Now, now, Vernnamina. You are wise enough not to cry. Tears are reserved for the weak." She stroked my cheek before slapping me across the face.

I was still reeling from it when she squeezed my face between her fingers, forcing me to look her in the eyes. Her blue eyes were glazed with disappointment. She always looked at me in that way. That's what she saw me as: a disappointment. A peril to her life. She returned a hard nod to the maid who had accompanied her. As I realized what the nod meant, my eyes widened.

"You resemble him so much that it disgusts me." I had an idea of what she was saying, but I refused to believe it was true. "You know what to do with her," she said as she left me alone with the maid and a whip.

It was then that I almost understood. She was enraged to the core of her being. Whoever caused her this much pain for her to inflict it on me instead must've crossed her badly.

My screams echoed around the room, and I knew someone or everyone had heard them. My body shook with fear, and I fell flat on the ground, tears and snot dribbling down. It wasn't a pretty site, but it was the least of my concerns. My back was ripped like a piece of paper. I couldn't move without a sharp pain interfering with my movements. I forced myself to crawl on my knees while taking deep breaths. I hoped that someone would find me here.

The maid had long since left. It was just me and the cold room as I bled to death. As the door bursts open, revealing a sweaty and panting Damocles, there is a glimmer of hope. His gaze is drawn to my figure. As he lifted me up, his face was crimson with rage.

"Adelfoula mou, don't close your eyes. Keep your eyes open." His voice was gruff. "We're nearly there to Doctor Dyalis."

I smiled as he addressed me as his sister. He hasn't done so in a long time. "Thank you, immensely, adelfouli mou." Before I am welcomed into the world of oblivion, I say.

-

He caressed my cheek with his warm, gentle hand. "I will never let anything bad happen to you. This I guarantee you."

My gaze rises from the hand to the face of a handsome man. One with the most beautiful and bright reddish-brown eyes. As he bent down to kiss my lips, I raise my head. We exchange a passionate, sweet kiss. One that caused my toes to curl and my leg to pop. As we did so, tears streamed down my cheeks. The amount of love he put into a simple kiss was overwhelming. Because I'd never known someone to love me so fiercely. So yearningly.

Fear strikes his eyes at the sight of my tears. "Don't cry, Ein und Alles," he coos at me instantaneously. "Are you unhappy, my love? Do you want to travel somewhere else? Tell me, and I'll make it happen." I made a tenuous motion with my head.

"I'm just so happy." Too happy. As I awoke with bright lights blinding my vision, tears welled up in my eyes.

My heart was heavy as tears streamed down my face like a waterfall. I couldn't figure out why I was crying over a dream. But it could have been the warmth I'd never felt before; the way he spoke softly to me and lulled me into believing that everything would be fine. That's what I wish it was like. But now that I'm in my room with an aching back, I've returned to reality and away from the fantasy I'd been dreaming about. I'd be a slave to my demons for the rest of my life. Despite the fact that the dream was brief, I wished it had never ended. I wished I had stayed asleep and away in my dreams so that I could be ferried into a reality of what could've been. What might have been.

"How are you feeling, kūríā? Do you have any aches and pains?" Doctor Dyalis greets me with a white coat and a chemical aroma.

As I propped myself up with my elbows, I winced. "Better than I deserve."

"I took care of your back. Your skin had been ripped and bloodied. I doubt there would be no scar." He then went on to tell me about the ointments and medicines I should take and apply to my wounds, which he said would take some time to heal.

These wounds simply piled on top of my previous ones. Damocles arrived after Doctor Dyalis had left to check on me. I didn't want to see the sadness in his eyes. It made me feel helpless. Cloira was not far behind him. After she had cried, she talked about her day. I was exhausted.