CROWN.

• 12

armi

"aikee, wake up." again, someone dared to disturb my sleep for the second time around. from the way he addressed me and his voice, i knew without opening my eyes that it was rome, yet again.

"aikee, it's already 8. wake up," he continued his quest to wake me up.

so what if it's 8? 8 is still an early hour!

"aikee, mom is home." and with that i woke up.

-

once i took a step in the dining room, i could feel the uneasy air in the area. mommy was sitting on one end of the table.

"armi, dear, take a seat" she coaxed me while i stood before the table, clearly not completely awake.

why is mommy talking to me like that? it's strange.

i have long dropped the hopes that mommy would - one day - be the mother i wished she was. since i was young, mommy addressed me as armi and armi alone. only when she gets mad does she call me by my full name. now, being called dear by her brought quite the shock to me.

i took a seat on the table, maintaining a safe distance from her. it's not like i loathed her that's why i chose to sit one chair away, but the feeling is too foreign that i may even think we're not related at all.

"come closer, dear. why are you sitting a chair away from me?" she asked. i could only stare at her and slowly shake my head, thus i remained seated a seat away from her. from my peripheral view, i can see the look of dismay in her face as she looked at yayi who was standing a distance away.

did she finally recognized the daughter she has technically forgotten for quite some time?

i do not want to act like a brat either, so when i finished my meal, i politely excused myself to go back to my room. i heard no objection, so i went upstairs, leaving my twin and my mother in the dining table.

-

i spent the last hour blasting melancholic songs inside my room while i spread my body like a seastar on my bed as i stared at the ceiling.

i thought i was already numb. but feeling the craving to hug my mother like any other daughter would do was what i could feel right now. akala ko kaya ko nang harapin si mommy matapos ang dalawang taong pag-iwan sa'kin.

i know in a matter of minutes, dark thought would suffocate my mind and the only thing i can think of at the moment was to talk to someone.

i'm left with no other choice.

-

martel
@chrstnchoi

hey

kakakita lang natin kahapon kuusela.

didn't think you would miss me that much, babe

ugh

how many times have i told you not to call me using cringy call signs

i thought you're smart, mister

well, i can't help it

malandi ka kasi

ouch, how many times are you going to pain my heart this way :<

anyway, why the sudden dm?

anything troubling you, kuusela?

there is, in fact

tell me then. you can count on me

mommy is back

oh? umuwi si tita?

yes and it's so strange

ang ano?

having her around. i think i've gotten used to not have her around within two years

i dont know what i should do

kuusela, are you willing to take my advice?

if it makes sense, why not

i just want to avoid overthinking

again

and right now i'm sounding so frail even if i told myself to be tough and numb the pain

being weak isn't a mistake, kuusela

it's a proof that you are living

i dont know how exactly did tita raise you but i can feel it, tita is a good person. she's probably not the expressive type that's why you mistakenly perceived it as feigning ignorance

this is a chance for you to patch things up as mother and daughter, and losing this chance will earn you a decade or so until you get another chance

so talk

talk your worries, your pain, your struggles, everything. to your mother.

you cannot resolve anything without doing something. you can't get away with overthinking if you do not counter it.

you're strong, kuusela. but you have a frail heart. you say you numb yourself, but your heart was only temporarily frozen. tita coming back thawed your emotions to let loose.

talk with her, and you'll find your serenity.

only when you do that can i say you really are a brave person, kuusela.

thank you, martel

-

just as martel and i finished our conversation, i heard soft knocks on my door. i got up from bed and ipened the door, only to see my mother looking at me with so much emotions in her eyes.

"anak, can we talk?"