Random Shit/Rants

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I really fucking want to die.

My parents won't ever accept me, they'll keep on verbally abusing me without realizing, calling me 'she' and 'her' and 'girl'. They don't realize how much that tears me apart.

I came out to my dad some time ago, and he seemed okay with it. Although he didn't agree with me, he was respectful and said he would try to use the correct pronouns. The next day, he forced me to wear leggings to school. I was literally bawling my eyes out, begging for him to let me wear jeans, since my dysphoria was already really bad that day. My period had started again that day. I told him they make me feel like a girl, and you know what he told me?
'Because you are.. a girl?'
Like he had completely forgotten the conversation we had the previous night.

I'm not even considering coming out to my mom any time soon. She has been going through so much shit lately, including an abusive boyfriend and the loss of a very close friend to suicide. She has always told me how happy she was to have a 'beautiful daughter'. Honestly, she'd probably explode on the spot if I told her.

I already feel so bad about my brain being like this, but coming out will completely ruin the family, I can already tell. My entire family is homophobic, and most are very Christian. I don't even know what to do anymore, I really need advice, but I don't know anyone like me that's fully out to everyone in their family.

I can't take this anymore, this fucked-up torture is killing me.

The other night, I had the worst mental breakdown of my life. I was pacing my room at 2:00 in the morning, switching from being cripplingly upset, to extremely angry, to laughing at nothing. It was utterly terrifying. I had no control over my emotions. I then stripped almost naked, (don't imagine that please) turned my ceiling fan up to the highest setting, ripped all the sheets and blankets and pillows off of my bed, and just laid there, shivering, smiling because I was suffering.

I used to do that a lot at my mom's apartment. I would strip to my underwear and lay on the freezing cold tile, shivering violently, but happy because I was finally getting what I deserve.

Let's face it, I'm a disgrace to society. I'm a sin, suicidal, a self-harmer, I can't talk to anyone, and I don't deserve to exist. Please don't pity me, or feel bad, or try to sympathize, because it makes me feel worse about the whole situation. I appreciate your kind words, I really do, but it makes me feel guilty, knowing I'm upsetting you with my selfish, fucked-up brain.

I love you all, and no, I'm not planning on trying anything any time soon, don't worry about me.

♥️